What’s one thing you know now that would have saved your younger self a lot of pain?

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Holy smokes, is this ever pertinent. 

So, when I was growin’ up, I went through my share of phases.  Just like everyone else. What I have come to recognize and address decades later, is that for whatever reason, I allowed myself to be defined, my worth to determined and value assessed by others.  

Perhaps it was part of my family structure or moreso its anarchy. Too much to express and share in this assignment.  But let’s just say that for as long as I can recall, I went with the flow.  To fit in.  Be affirmed. Know who I was.  Gain acceptance.  Be somebody.  Find my value. My choice. Regardless of the deep personal cost. 

There were times when I know my true character was desperately trying to break out of its confines and make itself shown and known.  

Like when I was gifted a  leadership position twice by those around me and I was more obsessed about offending than being an example.  So in fear of not being a part of them, I chose to buckle. 

Once I was deeply troubled by the direction I was going, so I put life on hold for a bit to try and decide if I should change my environment for something more healthy and different.  Again, backed out of that and went the path least difficult, most accepted and frequenty travelled.  

Got myself into a master’s program, at my dad’s expense,  to try and become what I have found I am meant to be.  But bailed after a semester filled with incompletes and truly poor character.

Another time with the guidance of some professional help, I  attempted to break the bonds of some bad habits.  Gain some self understanding. Was able to do so for a short time, then went right back to it, so I could fit back in.  Not have to answer questions.  And be “normal”. 

Roughly an entire career where I allowed myself to be defined.   

Personal relationships where diminishment was allowed.

Now, with the support, love and guidance of twin fellowships,  both born of a power much higher than my own, I have been able to finally discover, learn and know.  I am in the process of finding out who I actually am.  

Discerning my actual worth and true value.  

Knowing better my character. 

Gratefully receiving my purpose.  

Living my life to my best ability. 

Had I been able to discern and adhere to more of this when I was growing up, perhaps things may have been less of a debacle for so, so  long.  

I really made a mess of things.  For me, and all those around me. 

But then again, maybe things had to happen this way so I could get to where I was meant to be. That was the way it was so it can now be the way it is.

I just have to trust, have a deepening faith and know that I am in good hands. 

I can accept that. 

It seems to have all worked out.

Sorry little guy.