“What we have to be is what we are.”
― Thomas Merton
As I continue along life's journey, honestly coming to grips with what I am, enabled me to finally let go and simply be.
There is no shame to be found in it whatsoever. And as time passes, my only regret is that I didn't sooner.
But then again, this all came to be when it was supposed to. Not when I wanted it to.
I just have to be what I am.
Just a side note about the origins of the mohawk on Franklin Street. Parents up and down the block colluded to allow them, provided that once the thrill was gone, it would all come off. Little did we know that was the aim all along. High and tight. Well played mom, dad. Well played indeed.
I had no clue what I wanted to be at five and am still figuring it out at five plus sixty one. No matter. I am loving life as it has turned out to be for me. I am learning new things, trying new things, making copious amounts of mistakes, trying again, letting go and just letting Him.
So in a few, the Christmas lights will be coming down, as will a buckthorn, I can see if more daffodils are poking through the dirt and family is on the way for the night.
I did a lot in my life and intend to do even more.
I am not going to attempt to assign my seat on a pedestal by claiming to know this. I typically fly economy, no pajamas, if that is even a thing anymore. I cannot speak for or to others’ view on this. But I can speak for myself and share some of the many things I just don’t understand. Sorry friends, just doing what the prompt tells me to do.
So let’s just say this, I don’t understand the privileged titling process that allows certain individuals to disregard the posted speed limit, all traffic signals, maintaining safe space between vehicles and proper lane usage on the highway or anywhere.
Maybe this is something you buy on the internet? Some kind of rewards thingee, for being cool? A sticker for your car that tells the police they can drive like this? This whole driving schtick these days has me flummoxed. But I digress….
What I don’t understand is why I allowed others to assign my value, tell me my worth and define me. All this ever accomplished was creating an internal need for me to be everything, handle everything and do everything. Oh, and be graded on my performance. Been trying to figure that one out for some time now.
Not so much on how to handle it these days, I have put in the effort to give that a dirt nap. Now it is more so noticing the red flags, recognizing the situations and sensing the phrases or attitudes that do their best to create these wonderful scenarios.
My nature though is to take it several steps farther. Determine why it ever happened and when it first became my MO. I doubt this is something that comes from the factory, preinstalled like the heated seats and back-up boob tube. I believe it was learned. And why I learned it, and what that class was really about are things I need to understand
Well, I don’t need to save quarters and look for pay phones to call clients about being lost or late.
Toll booths are gone. Parking meters?
Used to be a great way to disperse pennies. Now they are lacking in number these days,
Used to get into car, listen to radio, go to a diffferent address, talk, argue, laugh, plan and be face to face. Actually be on the floor to see something made. Helped load it onto a truck and watched them leave. Called for a tracking number. Went back and did it all over again.
Knocked on doors. Cold call.
Remote?
Now, pretty much all of that fits in my back pocket.
I came across this on the way to something else and it stuck with me.
The other day, I shared some thoughts on the need for self-honesty and how that improves self-awareness while raising up one’s self-love. A revelation that was fitting in a number of ways. Especially considering the level of self-deceit I have been engaged in pretty much throughout my life.
Since I have chosen to enjoin a campaign to address and amend as many of these instances as possible, both then and now, there comes with it a truly healing sense of peace and serenity. Profound gratitude for being guided to this self-confrontation. A moment that touched my very soul.
“Intending to” is something that can be easily dismissed. Opening up the case for lying to yourself. Over and over. Taking the easy way out. Adopting a “that’s good enough for me” stance.
Being intentional, now that is a whole different tack.
That requires truth bound by personal investment in all forms; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In signing this pact, with yourself and others, you consent to honesty in all its forms. Trust is reborn. Passion kindled. You know to your very soul, what you can be, where it will take you and who it is you are.
And now, for once, there can be no deceit in that.
