“But the man who is not afraid to admit everything that he sees to be wrong with himself, and yet recognizes that he may be the object of God’s love precisely because of his shortcomings, can begin to be sincere. His sincerity is based on confidence, not in his own illusions about himself, but in the endless, unfailing mercy of God.”
― Thomas Merton
Those that demanded the absolute most of me, to the extent that I didn’t know I even had it in me, grew me the most.
I am sort of at a loss for any humorous analogies for this one. Not because the hardship endured or the honesty demanded left me sullen and bleak. Heck, that is what a great time looks like on this old stoic’s kisser.
Well that lasted about one sentence.
I am fortunate to have undergone tests such as those. I am filled with gratitude for being given the opportunity to experience life in some very painful ways and days. Months. Years, Decades.
Ultimately, it helped reveal to me who I can be and should be. Because in the end, that is who I am. It is how I came to be.
And you know what?
The tests are far from over. Nothing you can study or prepare for. They are simply on standby to take their turn when the time comes.
And me?
Not gonna be on standby. On call. Or on edge.
Just gonna live. In the here. And now.
One thing I know for sure.
It wasn’t just me before.
He was right there all along.
I do not believe in them per se.
So much of life just comes down to the choices we make.
Free will if you like.
How you choose to exercise that gift tends to produce those overtly or covertly calculated results. Things which are done with intention, whether honestly acknowledged and accepted or dishonestly ignored and hidden, tend to yield precisely what was fated to be. It might be things that lead you to an outcome that may have been expected. On the other hand, it might be a response to an outcome that takes things down an altogether different path.
Like I said yesterday at the onset of my prior post, I am speaking of me. This comes out of my dented noggin from the singular “I” perspective. And when “you” gets added into my word salad, that is meant to be from the Mark perspective. Not you. I have no desire to return to that pulpit. Over stayed my welcome and singlehandedly created more alienation in my life than O’Bannon and Shusett combined. I chose my fate in many areas of life.
“Uncle”.
There, that is some of the fate of my design in a nutshell.
Then, there is destiny.
Not gonna call it fate’s sibling. More so a very distant cousin. Part of the family, but going back to quite some time ago. Unlike fate, which can largely be your design, destiny is something born of another one. By design, meant to bring good, purpose, fulfillment, joy, connection, love, and life. Among other things.
I think in the former, I created the design, created the plan and pretty much brought things down around me. Choices I made determined my fate. And if I made similar choices on how to respond to those circumstances, the self-destruction escalated.
But because the latter – destiny – is provided by a much older and wiser pillar of the family, it will encourage a more patient, foundational and divine journey to what you were meant to be. That is, if you can listen, accept and trust in it.
Yet in both instances, that one wrench remains as the constant. Dating all the way back to that garden.
Free will.
I cannot say it is mine, but dispatching the tendency to call it how I saw it and wanted it sure as heck changed the tenor of my life. Perhaps it was my fate to finally acknowledge that I did not know it all and needed someone else to show me the best way possible. It was destiny that called me to just let go.
Fate chose my destiny.
I want you to know that the opportunity this presents on a daily or as needed basis is much desired and deeply appreciated.
Thoughts, words and actions all have their own mission and purpose, and as they are received, heard or experienced, each provides their own distinct indelible impact on life in these parts. I am still in the learning process here. By no means is this intended to be a “how to” or any derivative thereof.
Things can just be awe-full in their depth and timing. A word, some seemingly inconspicuous phrase and the thoughts they bring carry this immense fullness of awe inspiring truth. It just makes me want to share. To connect and see if anyone else has been touched in the same fashion.
Also, I may use “I” in some context because that is just how it comes out. But I also write with a great deal of “you”. Never to point a finger or single anyone out. More so calling myself “you”. Like “…hey Mark, you better be grateful that you can do this when the spirit moves you.”
Today, it was a variety of ways to discern the loving suggestion that you love not just your neighbors but your enemies as well.
I take enemy from a literal perspective. Someone trying to do you harm, physically and everything thereafter.
But in his reflection today, Bishop Barron offered two other views.
One, which is absolutely true in my my case, is that perhaps the “enemy” is someone that is just plain old annoying. And the constant barrage of annoyance while quasi damaging to your day, may actually reflect something in you that takes it as such. An honest aspect of your persona. Perhaps it is actually a confrontation to your beliefs, ego or desire for control that sets the drums of war beating.
Then, it may go a little further past your blockade, exposing an inadequacy you may have deflected, ignored or just excused. That can lead to some spirited conflicts in a variety of ways. Speaking from my experience, more so a war of attrition. No settlement can be reached in either case until you can somehow surrender to the truth about yourself.
It is possible that the enemy lay within.
What is it in you that propagates the annoyance within yourself?
And is there something within that finally needs to be addressed?
So perhaps it goes back to love your neighbor as you love yourself. And if you don’t really love yourself in all honesty. then how can you best love your neightbor?
Then there is your enemy.
Are they intent on attacking you from the outside in? Or is it a combatant that lay in wait from within? One there all along, but never acknowledged, confronted or understood. Commanding you to think, speak and act in such a manner as to bring about conflict, escalation and destruction.
Need to read more about this.
Not seeking solution this night.
But man, it sure makes me wonder.
Think.
And want to write.
Even more.
Trick question?
I have been somebody else for a long time already. That didn’t work out. Too many identities to manage. Can you spell “self-deceit” ? He overstayed his welcome. Things have been placed in a pod somewhere. And I spoke to him already:
“Don’t let the door knob hit you on the way out.”
That being said, gonna spend some time with this guy.
Back to my roots.
This might have even been the last time I looked happy.
Now that I think about it, being around flowers these days does bring joy to this old curmudgeon. Forty some in the house. Lost count of the daffodil bulbs set to reveal themselves this spring.
I guess you may never really know what you have lost until you allow yourself to find it again.
I want everyday going forward to be touched by discovery and the presence to appreciate the gift it is. Then I can be more of myself.
Like this little guy.
...my temporary assignment. 