An epiphany of sorts arrived this morning before I went off to mass.
I had been inundated with this sense of dread. Overwhelvement. If that is a word. It sure is that feeling, so to that I will attest. Upon some further reflection and investigation, it dawned on me that it was simply my lifelong companion, overfunctioning. Same guy, just different apparel,
But this time, I was better able to understand the many forms it can take. And now, how I seem to choose so.
So not to go into too much detail, there was training for and assuming leadership roles to volunteer in multiple service entities, coaching and mentoring high school football student athletes, assisting in job development and sourcing leads for friends and families, consenting to help build a foundation and grow an established business, and believe it or not, actively seeking other part-time engagements.
All the above occured in addition to full-time employment, household responsibilities and other personal obligations.
This need to be everything and then some no matter the personal cost is my sibling twin.
For some reason, it is how I learned – for lack of a better word – to become aware of my value. I had no clue personally. I could not tell you my value, strength or purpose. But I sure as heck could let others determine that for me. So the more I did and the farther I went for others, I could rest assured that someone might give me an “A” for effort, but no higher than a “C” or less for who I was and what I could become.
That level of dependency led to others and all that entails. The hole simply became wider and deeper. Never to be filled in the manner I chose to pursue.
With the honest support and love of those men and women within our communion, I have been able to actually see who I am, what it is that I am and how I can best share these gifts with all. I now recognize that I no longer need to adhere to a numbers game. The more the better.
Upon some further discernment and honest conversation, I will then be ready to pursue things differently.
So for now, let’s just say the focus has shifted to quality,
Not quantity.
