Back in the day, I used to frequent some social media sites. For the most part, I viewed it as an avenue to coach up student athletes away from the field. As life evolved, that went away, and business centered sites became prevalent as a way to communicate ideas. That has since been hibernated.
This platform has been pretty much a constant in my life and will remain so far as I know. Emails are “ok” for work, but nothing will ever beat a voice on the phone or a face to face somewhere, some time with some body. I think that is what appeals to me about being here, with you all now, on line.
We seem to be together.
I can sit in the kitchen, wearing shorts and a warm beanie, look out the window and watch Chris and Rich hop around the yard hunting for scraps, chat about the daily prompt or whatever else works its way into my bald noggin. As close as I am likely to get to having a sit down with each of you. You would prolly want to bring your own coffee. Mine isn’t to die for, but to die because of.
Letters remain the best way to connect. Nothing will ever beat a hand written note to another. They aren’t tucked away in some e-file, folder or drive. They get opened, read, and tucked away in a drawer that is entered and exited every day. There is great joy to be found in sharing yourself with others in that fashion. A part of you is left in the ink on that page, in that envelope.
Since I became acquainted with expressing myself here, it seems to be the closest thing I found to pen and paper. Not ever a replacement. But a genuine source of warmth and connection. Hopefully for the reader. Definitely for this writer. Despite the miles and time zones, one thing is for sure.
As I shared the other day, I have pretty much relinquished authority over determining my mission. My creation served its purpose. It lucidly defined what doesn’t work, where I needed to redirect my attention, who I needed to become and how I needed to live out my days.
Now, moving on with a more open mind, heart and soul, and some true fatherly guidance, I come across things on a day to day basis that affirm my chosen path. Bits. Pieces. Coincidence. Providence. Serendipity. Things said in passing. Words read. Every one connected to grace. Every one providing peace and serenity.
It’s pretty amazing what takes place when you no longer feel the need to be the sole authority of your story. When you get to that point where proving it is replaced by simply being it, then everything simply changes for the better. Presence overtakes rumination.
My sincere hope is that this and my other posts are taken simply as an expression of gratitude and genuine hope that others can find their way as well. I spent a great deal of time writing and speaking motivational pieces for student-athletes. Tomes, some say, on attitude, character, resolve, perseverance, faith and love.
Should they continue, they may retain a familiar Coach Hahn ring to them. But then again, I now hearken to a different voice altogeher. One spoken throughout every aspect of my life. They may now render a different tone.
“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present.
Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence.
Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” ― Eckhart Tolle
That threshold between “the here and now” and where it is you are truly meant to be. And though the distance between the two might be infinitesimal, we can choose to make it an expanse as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.
All by pursuing a stubborn, prideful and very painful tack. Clinging to the errant wish that things will just change – so we won’t have to.
Trying in vain to make things fit our present situation – rather than finding our true nature and purpose, and then taking command of that circumstance.
Yes, it is truly a fine line that separates us from folly and fulfillment.
Arbitrarily regarding it as an insurmountable obstacle keeps us forever on this side. But seeing it for what it truly is – a pathway – always takes us where we want to go.
One of the most precious aspects of this “congregation”, so to speak, is that we all simply get to share. To delve into what is happening between the ears and pur out some of what is swelling within our hearts. Nothing is dictated. No expectation. Rules? Guidelines? KPI’s?
Nope.
Just being ourselves, wherever that happens to be in the process. Sharing. Not telling, Advising. Stating. Laying out. Instructing. Simply sharing bits and pieces of ourselves to all that is willing to hear, read and feel. “Prompt” has its own sense and level of urgency tied to it. Not so much, “hey, get off your ass and get going here Hahn!” But a more subtle, “you know, you find writing affirming , fulfilling and just plain old fun, so you should set aside a moment or two to just be, Hahn.”
All of which fits into the mission. I will phrase it that way for now as that is more honest than claiming ownership of this venture. It is more so a way forward that was offered by another. It is just that I neglected to hear what was being said and see what I was being shown.
Initially, my mission was one of self destruction masked by the guise of self determination. Knowing all, showing all, telling all and being all to “all” is how I went about “life”, if you want to call it that. Perhaps on a technicality. Being friends, I can share this part of me with you now.
The faux sense of self determination was born not of self knowledge, but more so of selflessness. Without a true estimation of one’s value, abided by low self esteem, reinforced by a pervasive sense of shame, my mission was to please those around me. When I first discovered this, resentment – focused on those that couldn’t appreciate what I “had” – sank in and took control.
Upon deeper discernment and reflection, a revelation of sorts made its presence known. Looking back on it, maybe “presents” – like Mr. Keane suggested – is more appropriate. Because what I came to understand unwrapped an ongoing stream of gifts. The ultimate realization that I sought others, relationships and life on the basis of having those experiences confirm my complete self unawareness has provided me with the foundation for an entirely different mission.
It’s about time.
Not that traveling this new territory doesn’t come with its share of anxiety, doubts and plain old fear. But it surrounds me with an all encompassing sense of peace and serenity. I can control things in my grasp, like how I react and respond to situations and instances. If I choose to get into disputes. Tell someone what they “need” to do because, you know, I have proven myself as an authority about life. I can engage with everyone around me, or just smile and move on to my next activity.
Each day reveals another aspect of me that had been cordoned off and unseen for much of my life. The chances I take now are to listen more and choose my words and timing thereof with their feelings being the center of my concern. Carrying around the weight of all those disappointments, regrets and failures is no longer an aspect of my fitness routine. Finally, I can start to utter the phrase, “you aren’t such a bad man after all, Hahn.”
That being said, for better of for worse, my mission got me to this point. Now that I have come to the conclusion that I desperately need to contract out any updates or new versions of my true vocation, He will be taking the reins.
It wasn’t really my mission all along. I just thought it was. Now, looking back, it has always been His. I just needed to figure that out and let go so I could get after it.
...my temporary assignment. 