“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”
― A.A. Milne
Something I aspire to.
To be like Piglet.
To be like Piglet.
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My wish.
I cannot honestly list anything that may fall into this category.
I am looking for volunteer opportunities to fill in gaps each week. One is already under way. Another will get closer next week. And still one more requires some on line and in person training. So that will be the last in the quiver for now.
This part of my life is truly a source of great joy and I look for ways to fit more of it into each twenty four hours. I love being able to share with all of you. A connection I never thought would be found and embraced. We are just getting to know one another, but there is no rush in that.
More involvement with my kids and grandkids is also an ongoing venture. Lunch with #2 this afternoon. Have a cute spring outfit to drop off for #3’s new daughter. She is growing like a weed. So I hope it will still fit.
It is somewhat ironic that today’s was “what do you wish you could do more every day.”
Ironic in the sense that I have been been engaging in some ongoing reflection about life in general. An integral aspect of my personal reclamation project. Combine it with the genuine discernment that accompanies the Lenten season, and this Jurassic vintage gray matter is firing away nonstop. Well, somewhat.
Reflection of late is not so much dwelling on or in things, as was common practice before, nor does it have anything to do with looking out over the skis for what is to come. It is more about finding the serenity in true honesty with oneself. Dispensing with the camo provided by the joint forces of ego and pride to see for once, and oddly enough, appreciate things for what they were. Let me tell you; truly an f’d up existence masquerading as some facade. Not sure pun to create for that yet. But when I do, you will be the first to know that pun.
Weird thing is, in no way do I wish to change any of it. Because somehow, it miraculously brought be to where I am today. I know how that happened and how it will remain and continue as such ad infinitum. The past had to happen the way it did so I could experience the present the way it is.
So to answer the prompt in a nut shell; live just like this.
For as long as I can.
My wish.
My new tattoo.
The vocabularic duo of Merriam and Webster call it “a mark, figure, design, or word intentionally fixed or placed on the skin.” I think that one is the PG version. Farther down the list, you get “one that is composed of scar tissue intentionally created by cutting, abrading, or burning the skin.” Yikes. Not sure how you rate “burning the skin.”
Either way it seems that they make a statement about the wearer. That being said, I cannot say for sure what I would choose to broadcast something about myself whether through ink, a knife, abrasion or fire.
It does however bring to mind some of the tattoos I might have consented to apply to myself internally over the course of my life. Through poor choices, bad habits and unhealthy behaviors. Like ones of regret and remorse. Self-deceit, – resentment, – destruction and – hatred. Those big bright ones like EGO, PRIDE and some WRATH for good measure. SLOTH from a spiritual side too.
I am not suggesting that any of them are permanant by any means. Or that this is how I go about broadcasting some self pity for the world to partake. I just want to vent some, share alot of myself and promote a healing process. Not just mine, but for anyone else out there that is emblazoned with their own internal tattoos the same way.
I haven’t felt this confident in a very long time. Mostly because many of the things brought to light in the prior paragraphs are slowly – but surely – being defeated. I think that is why God invented prompts.
Ultimately, what it comes down to is that I chose to mark myself in a variety of ways and depths on the inside that have since become worn out. Both in their need and their welcome. It’s not like I can open up and apply a couple new layers of self forgiveness with a paint roller and attend to the deepest scars inside with a shot of Botox or three.
It is just part of a self healing process.
One that brings me great joy to undertake and understand. Through out the course of trying to figure it out, I kept a lot to myself. You can tell it is piled pretty deep inside. The stoic smile on my mug never lies. And pursing the lips like that helps keep it all within. Hidden from a potential, inadvertant broadcast.
So what was this one about?
Oh, yes, tattoos.
It would be fitting to find the one that captures the sense of self-forgiveness, -understanding, -confidence and -love that I am finally starting to feel. The ones I etched and drew on the inside long ago are all but faded out. Something truly different is starting to happen. There is a new artist in town. Soon, this stoic’s lips will no longer need to adhere to a strict pursing regimen.
That cramp is leaving the building.
I know you will never believe it.
But this may happen.
My new tattoo.
Can’t you tell?
One clue.
Pretty happy I got this from my son.
A good read.
Can’t you tell?
The sum of His divine design.
We all are made to love.
Part of our divine design. As created by our higher power. God is the very source of love and we are called to reflect and direct that love to others. Our role in the loop of grace.
Yet during the course of life’s travails, disappointments and distrust, we may begin to engage in the process of actively obscuring that attribute. Cordoning off that integral and essential aspect of our being. Seeking ephemeral pursuits. Avoiding our true nature. Evading our responsibility. And in so doing, creating a false sense of security, safety and wellbeing.
Despite the fact that we are hardwired for it, and it is destined to be our primary purpose, it hurts to love.
To give it without condition, guarantee or quid pro quo. To expose oneself to a seemingly fatal level of self-inflicted pain.
Sad to say, we tend to give up too early. I do. Choosing to succumb to a skinned knee, while another within our immediate universe might be in the throes of a hopeless, lingering, lonely spiral downward. Choosing process, research and expediency over interaction, intuition and patience. Focusing on our flaws rather than our inherent capacity to help those about us grow. Choosing ourselves and our needs first. And others? When it makes sense for us.
Dispensing, gifting and asserting love are all arduous tasks. The heaviest lifting imaginable Missions that can generate more than their fair share of discomfort, disappointment and despair.
But somewhere along the way, we convince ourselves to capitulate to that illusion. That we will not survive the giving. That it will never be received as we intend. Or more to the point – how we expect it to be taken. Or that we need to be present to witness an ultimate outcome.
Forgoing our purpose, ignoring our design and ignoring our Creator. Lacerating the loop of grace.
Fortunately, there are those within our midst that refuse to be deterred. Fervently remaining on point. Absorbing the pain. Depleting themselves. Giving it up.
Sturdy souls, with an unyielding faith, who have leaned into this mission. Recognized that their true purpose lay within. That the pain is temporary. Reserves will be refilled. That giving it up is who they are meant to be and what we are all intended to do.
After all, that is how we were made.
The sum of His divine design.
