Back in the day, I used to frequent some social media sites. For the most part, I viewed it as an avenue to coach up student athletes away from the field. As life evolved, that went away, and business centered sites became prevalent as a way to communicate ideas. That has since been hibernated.
This platform has been pretty much a constant in my life and will remain so far as I know. Emails are “ok” for work, but nothing will ever beat a voice on the phone or a face to face somewhere, some time with some body. I think that is what appeals to me about being here, with you all now, on line.
We seem to be together.
I can sit in the kitchen, wearing shorts and a warm beanie, look out the window and watch Chris and Rich hop around the yard hunting for scraps, chat about the daily prompt or whatever else works its way into my bald noggin. As close as I am likely to get to having a sit down with each of you. You would prolly want to bring your own coffee. Mine isn’t to die for, but to die because of.
Letters remain the best way to connect. Nothing will ever beat a hand written note to another. They aren’t tucked away in some e-file, folder or drive. They get opened, read, and tucked away in a drawer that is entered and exited every day. There is great joy to be found in sharing yourself with others in that fashion. A part of you is left in the ink on that page, in that envelope.
Since I became acquainted with expressing myself here, it seems to be the closest thing I found to pen and paper. Not ever a replacement. But a genuine source of warmth and connection. Hopefully for the reader. Definitely for this writer. Despite the miles and time zones, one thing is for sure.
One of the most precious aspects of this “congregation”, so to speak, is that we all simply get to share. To delve into what is happening between the ears and pur out some of what is swelling within our hearts. Nothing is dictated. No expectation. Rules? Guidelines? KPI’s?
Nope.
Just being ourselves, wherever that happens to be in the process. Sharing. Not telling, Advising. Stating. Laying out. Instructing. Simply sharing bits and pieces of ourselves to all that is willing to hear, read and feel. “Prompt” has its own sense and level of urgency tied to it. Not so much, “hey, get off your ass and get going here Hahn!” But a more subtle, “you know, you find writing affirming , fulfilling and just plain old fun, so you should set aside a moment or two to just be, Hahn.”
All of which fits into the mission. I will phrase it that way for now as that is more honest than claiming ownership of this venture. It is more so a way forward that was offered by another. It is just that I neglected to hear what was being said and see what I was being shown.
Initially, my mission was one of self destruction masked by the guise of self determination. Knowing all, showing all, telling all and being all to “all” is how I went about “life”, if you want to call it that. Perhaps on a technicality. Being friends, I can share this part of me with you now.
The faux sense of self determination was born not of self knowledge, but more so of selflessness. Without a true estimation of one’s value, abided by low self esteem, reinforced by a pervasive sense of shame, my mission was to please those around me. When I first discovered this, resentment – focused on those that couldn’t appreciate what I “had” – sank in and took control.
Upon deeper discernment and reflection, a revelation of sorts made its presence known. Looking back on it, maybe “presents” – like Mr. Keane suggested – is more appropriate. Because what I came to understand unwrapped an ongoing stream of gifts. The ultimate realization that I sought others, relationships and life on the basis of having those experiences confirm my complete self unawareness has provided me with the foundation for an entirely different mission.
It’s about time.
Not that traveling this new territory doesn’t come with its share of anxiety, doubts and plain old fear. But it surrounds me with an all encompassing sense of peace and serenity. I can control things in my grasp, like how I react and respond to situations and instances. If I choose to get into disputes. Tell someone what they “need” to do because, you know, I have proven myself as an authority about life. I can engage with everyone around me, or just smile and move on to my next activity.
Each day reveals another aspect of me that had been cordoned off and unseen for much of my life. The chances I take now are to listen more and choose my words and timing thereof with their feelings being the center of my concern. Carrying around the weight of all those disappointments, regrets and failures is no longer an aspect of my fitness routine. Finally, I can start to utter the phrase, “you aren’t such a bad man after all, Hahn.”
That being said, for better of for worse, my mission got me to this point. Now that I have come to the conclusion that I desperately need to contract out any updates or new versions of my true vocation, He will be taking the reins.
It wasn’t really my mission all along. I just thought it was. Now, looking back, it has always been His. I just needed to figure that out and let go so I could get after it.
To answer this, I have to first share another aspect of my forthcoming answer. I know, this is totally out of character. But because of the biggest influence, I am better able to embrace many others that just appear and touch my life.
For the longest time, I have had to somehow touch everything in my life. Be totally involved, manage, tend to every aspect, control, contend, bark, direct, etc., etc, ad nauseum. Effectively squeezing out anything or anyone that could have made an impact for the most part. If the guard came down, there would be those epiphanies, scattered far and wide. And many of them remain to this day.
But when I got to the point where none of that worked for me, in fact only worked against me and to my detriment, I simply accepted things and learned to become efficient and effusive with mea culpas. Let go. Lived for this moment. Then the next ten minutes. Another ten. And so on.
A true sense of peace and serenity found me. Once I accepted its gradual but all persuasive and positively pervasive appearance and influence, I just rolled with it. The more I loosed my grip on things, the deeper and wider it grew. Things I read now made sense. What others shared gave me courage and strength. Each moment became an entirely new experience, never knowing who may, what would, justhow or where I might be reformed and re-formed.
No matter how much I thought I could do just because it was me in charge, I couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t. But once I just honestly capitualted and let go, I could, would and do. Guided by the influence of all those that somehow just happen to be there, say what needs to be heard, do what I cannot and offer to share what I cannot carry alone.
Like me, they too must have waved the white flag and let go. To experience this level of influence by those that have embraced it too is an altogether different level of peace, serenity and security.
I would have to think of what I did before responding to this prompt.
To me, for play or fun, aren’t things specifically set aside as such. I need to find my way back to PF for the playtime there on the bike and weight machines. It is fun to coach basketball for Special Olympics, and following the holidays, I can wind my way back to take in some off-season lifting sessions with the T-wolves as they prepare for the ’26 campaign.
Christmas shopping is fun to me. When the bills come due, it can be an altogether different and harrowing experience. But the joy in it outweighs the short term debt.
I guess when it comes to play time or fun, I don’t necessarily stipulate and cordon them off as such. Too much anticipation and expectation if you ask me. If anything goes south, in the least bit, then what was the point? Those are not boundaries I want to instill or live by.
Play time can be shooting the breeze getting coffee or at the checkout picking up your five favorite grocery items. (Oops! forgot that one yesterday.) Fun is calling an old buddy, connecting with the kids. Watching the finches hop around the seed left on the ground and watching Mr. Squirrel trying to figure out how to access the suet now that it has been moved to a bird only access point.
So play and fun are to be had everywhere and all of the time. If you can be open to letting things be and finding it in every available moment.
Thanks for the opportunity to play around with some thoughts, words, punctuation and sentences today!
The various fonts of my ongoing amateur authorship affinity has carried with them a number of different monikers. Most of which were football or coaching affiliated and oriented.
One, once began some time ago, “…a temporary assignment” was somewhat a center of my attention, evocative of that moment in my life. A period of an altogether different level of processing and being. Unaware, or perhaps more honestly unprepared for the feces that would soon hit the fan. Directed for the most part by my inept, irrational and mostly intentional thoughts, words and actions.
So much for leading by example. But I digress….
As of late, things have been brought into focus. Not back into, for that would imply the way things were then needed to be better seen so as to promote my immediate return to them. I would hazard to say that focus has never been one of my strong suits. Well, perhaps it appeared as such, albeit superficially.
Perhaps.
Maybe that remains to be seen.
Of late, things are different. Largely because the direction of my gaze has changed. No longer am I trying to re-see where I was currently looking. Mostly behind. I think I better understand its relevance to this moment, but it no longer rules the day. Same can be said for what may or may not lay ahead. Though we may think other wise, there isn’t much say in that department.
Which this morning led me to better grasp “….my temporary assignment.” No where close to the first or second iteration. Hopefully what is said about the third time has merit and veracity.
Today is what I have. And what I choose to do with it is an assignment of the utmost importance. Tasks that have been granted by a grace freely given. Delivered by the thoughts now received, the words readily heard and the actions witnessed.
Nothing to do with bringing things back into focus. Just being able to finally really see.
...my temporary assignment. 