Tag Archives: personal-growth

Time part 4.

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Back in the day, I shared thoughts with kids in our community youth football program. Things stated and modeled at practice that were worthy of reiteration in written form. One of the formats I used was called “Ten Thoughts”.

After my post this morning, the top two from this set dating back to 2014 jumped out at me.

Time – THE most precious resource you will ever possess.  And if you are not careful in how you use it – it can come to possess you. It is something only to be spent – and despite your efforts otherwise – it proves very difficult to bank.   What you get – is what you get. There is no better time than “now”. So always “be” where you are.  And make the absolute most of your treasured allotment.   

    Time part 2 – sometimes, “things” need to happen on their own time. This has nothing to do with the alignment of stars and planets, destiny or fate. Just how life goes. You might want, work and dream for something in the worst way. Your committed effort might make it happen.  But then again – it might not. When it doesn’t, there is still something of value to be taken from the experience. Learning to persevere  and have faith to name the top two. It all matters.  It all means something. As Tom Petty once said “the waiting is the hardest part.” Yes it is. But one thing is for certain.  Even in the waiting, you are being made ready for something even better. 

    After reading the top two, I would like to share this addition:

    Time part 3 – being somewhere other than right here, right now can become suffocating. Attempting to change what has already been enacted or planning out a reaction to something that has yet to happen can suck the life right out of you.

    The past is meant to be a learning experience, providing you with the wisdom to pursue a path towards greater affirmation. Or, if ego makes itself king, the lesson will be ignored and defeat will become repetitive.

    The future is meant to be embraced as you have made yourself to hold it, but only if and when it happens. Not before. A lack of preparation and presence will leave you stranded from opportunity and fulfillment. You have to be there to “be” then.

    Being present brings with it peace and serenity. Life.

    And joy.

    Perhaps this will someday become another addition.

    Time part 4.

    And then, locked.

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    As I move forward in self reclamation, I find that past experiences and the words used to describe them have now, somehow become much more lucid. Nothing really made that much sense for the longest time. It just sort of was. Now, the only explanation I can relate to you is that it was found in the divine.

    Initially, there was this strong, outward focused sense of resentment I not only harbored but protected for some reason, for a very long time. Perhaps strategic safeguarding was purposeful; a response to avoid personal responsibility and genuine self honesty. Then, the ego can remain untouched, intact and exonerated. Upon further reflection, this very well may be the impact of living with a rectal cranial inversion my whole life.

    True, I resented others, situations and individuals, for what they allegedly did to me. Upon deeper and more genuine discernment, that just wasn’t the case. You see, the true culprit was not others, but me. I somehow came to embrace self-resentment. As if I was watching this guy – Mark – from the audience. Recognized him by his appearance, but didn’t know who I was, understand what I was able do, recognize how I was able to be or value anything I brought to the table.

    To accomplish the tasks of self-resentment, I took my misconceptions, perceptions and aggressions into arenas that confirmed my illusions. Personally and professionally. Having others determine me because I was essentially clueless in that department. Not their doing. Mine. Driven by some apparition of what I was to myself.

    Not quite sure how that all began or why, but it did left uncontrolled, running rough shod over me and my life until just about now. The path to understanding resentment initially led me to better understand my self-resentment. Then, I sensed the presence of a caring voice from within.

    It directed me to self-awareness, self-perception and self-esteem. Things I had heard of, but never really invested the time to fully understand and embrace. Because I was ticked off about not being valued. Because I sought that from others. Because I didn’t like myself for not being valuable. Because I was consumed by total self-ignorance.

    Another whisper from that same voice emerged. It told me I was valued, worthy, needed and loved. Not just once. But over and over. Listening led not only to better understanding, but actually recognizing those truths. Finally, by beginning to embrace all that was shared with me, resentment has now been shown the door. The “self” version was also included in that request. Though they may be taking their sweet time, the door will soon be closed.

    And then, locked.

    My temporary assignment.

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    Daily writing prompt
    What is your mission?
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    One of the most precious aspects of this “congregation”, so to speak, is that we all simply get to share. To delve into what is happening between the ears and pur out some of what is swelling within our hearts. Nothing is dictated. No expectation. Rules? Guidelines? KPI’s?

    Nope.

    Just being ourselves, wherever that happens to be in the process. Sharing. Not telling, Advising. Stating. Laying out. Instructing. Simply sharing bits and pieces of ourselves to all that is willing to hear, read and feel. “Prompt” has its own sense and level of urgency tied to it. Not so much, “hey, get off your ass and get going here Hahn!” But a more subtle, “you know, you find writing affirming , fulfilling and just plain old fun, so you should set aside a moment or two to just be, Hahn.”

    All of which fits into the mission. I will phrase it that way for now as that is more honest than claiming ownership of this venture. It is more so a way forward that was offered by another. It is just that I neglected to hear what was being said and see what I was being shown.

    Initially, my mission was one of self destruction masked by the guise of self determination. Knowing all, showing all, telling all and being all to “all” is how I went about “life”, if you want to call it that. Perhaps on a technicality. Being friends, I can share this part of me with you now.

    The faux sense of self determination was born not of self knowledge, but more so of selflessness. Without a true estimation of one’s value, abided by low self esteem, reinforced by a pervasive sense of shame, my mission was to please those around me. When I first discovered this, resentment – focused on those that couldn’t appreciate what I “had” – sank in and took control.

    Upon deeper discernment and reflection, a revelation of sorts made its presence known. Looking back on it, maybe “presents” – like Mr. Keane suggested – is more appropriate. Because what I came to understand unwrapped an ongoing stream of gifts. The ultimate realization that I sought others, relationships and life on the basis of having those experiences confirm my complete self unawareness has provided me with the foundation for an entirely different mission.

    It’s about time.

    Not that traveling this new territory doesn’t come with its share of anxiety, doubts and plain old fear. But it surrounds me with an all encompassing sense of peace and serenity. I can control things in my grasp, like how I react and respond to situations and instances. If I choose to get into disputes. Tell someone what they “need” to do because, you know, I have proven myself as an authority about life. I can engage with everyone around me, or just smile and move on to my next activity.

    Each day reveals another aspect of me that had been cordoned off and unseen for much of my life. The chances I take now are to listen more and choose my words and timing thereof with their feelings being the center of my concern. Carrying around the weight of all those disappointments, regrets and failures is no longer an aspect of my fitness routine. Finally, I can start to utter the phrase, “you aren’t such a bad man after all, Hahn.”

    That being said, for better of for worse, my mission got me to this point. Now that I have come to the conclusion that I desperately need to contract out any updates or new versions of my true vocation, He will be taking the reins.

    It wasn’t really my mission all along. I just thought it was. Now, looking back, it has always been His. I just needed to figure that out and let go so I could get after it.

    My temporary assignment.

    It has no peer.

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    Adversity may be defined mostly in terms of tangible situations or moments.  But its influence can be especially prevalent in far more subtle contexts.

    Like peer pressure. 

    To be identified as a potential member of a certain group and gain access to its inner sanctum might be viewed as an extremely important and noteworthy achievement for many people.  No matter one’s age. 

    This venture might become so vital as a self-image and identity enhancement that making all the subsequent wrong choices are acceptable expenditures for the meager dividends expected to be earned. 

    And the ensuing collateral damage?   Just part of the program. 

    Rationalization can become an instinct stronger to one than that of survival. It has the power to transform the known black and white into gradients of reasonable gray. 

    For once the quest for inclusion with those peers deemed “most worthy”  overrides doing what is right, judgement is the first thing to be cast aside. And as thoughts, words and finally deeds dissolve into this hue, one can justify, defend and vindicate just about anything. 

    Undermining  your better nature. Ignoring what you know is right. 

    Even surrendering  character. 

    There isn’t  much contrast across the choices spectrum once you cross that threshold. Decisions tend to go only in one direction; from bad, to badder, to baddest. Rationalized as some of the necessary evils that come with  being “one of the boys or girls”.  

    The curse that begets those bountiful “blessings of being in”.

    Isn’t it strange how people who seemingly have the world by the tail can still feel the tug of the herd.  Despite the overwhelming value of their talents, an abundance of gifts and their inherent good nature, some “thing” seems to be missing.

    Efforts at your addition with the approval from the herd, in reality can act as subtraction. A venture that can lead one to the pursuit of  shallow, short-sighted, and oftentimes risky behavior.  Creating a cavity within that only becomes deeper and grows ever wider the farther you get from your true self. 

    A brand of adversity that can be a force all its own, speaking from experience. 

     For this form of pressure is one of a kind.

    It has no peer.

    Undefined Stock photos by Vecteezy

    That of life.

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    I have long contended that football is the game of life.  Being a player, like all of you, I am familiar with the challenges, discomfort and anxiety that can come with it.  

    The challenges of overcoming an opponent or task bigger than you think are. The discomfort that comes along with such a seemingly endless physical, mental and emotional effort whether it be practice or game.  And the anxiety that accompanies not knowing the exact outcome of your work, being unsure you are doing it exactly right, fearing you are not enough and God forbid, you make a mistake. 

    Speaking from a common experience, if you play football, you are already living outside of your comfort zone.  In football terms being a resident of the O-Line, some of you are at the first level.  Others have moved towards the second.  Still fewer, the third.  And yet to be conquered, is the 4th level.  

    On extremely rare occasions can one go from one to four.  That’s like a lottery ticket.  Perhaps you can get to level three from one, if things are just right.  But more often than not, you cannot skip steps, avoid work and wish your way into achievement.  You need to work your way up and through each one to reach level four.  The end zone.

    You see, if you want to achieve the things you truly value and aspire to, you have to get used to being uncomfortable.  Not just in the fall.  But the year round.  You have to commit and fully invest in embracing that sense of being challenged, some sense of discomfort and the anxiety that may accompany being unsure what is going to happen.  

    Again, speaking as a football player like you, living out of your comfort zone turns out to be the best place you can be.  It promotes growth, confidence, perseverance, faith  and a chance to become all you were meant to be.  Whether it is school, your first job, college or pursuing your passion, you cannot go from level one to four.  You must find work and make your way up that field, whatever it is.

    Doing the things that ultimately take you to life’s end zone.  

    So that being said, let me offer a challenge.  

    For whatever reason, this one play causes a great deal of angst and worry.  Most likely because it doesn’t give you a definitive assignment like the other plays.  It just calls on you to all move towards the play as one, sealing off the LOS and moving to the second level. Vague I know.  But you run it to perfection against cans in practice.  But against bodies, you shrink, second guess and cringe about making a mistake.  

    How about getting out of your comfort zone on this one?  

    Better yet, get out of it for the whole game. 

    Embrace the challenges, discomfort and anxiety.  I bet you will find that endzone more than a couple of times in those four quarters.  And when all is said and done, you will know that you gave it your all no matter what.  That in itself counts as a win.  

    Stands to reason you could go 2-0 on Friday then. 

    And keep the winning streak alive in the weeks, months and years to come if you learn the value of being uncomfortable. 

    Think about it. 

    As you work your way towards another end zone. 

    That of life.