trust – …my temporary assignment.

My temporary assignment.

Daily writing prompt

What is your mission?

One of the most precious aspects of this “congregation”, so to speak, is that we all simply get to share. To delve into what is happening between the ears and pur out some of what is swelling within our hearts. Nothing is dictated. No expectation. Rules? Guidelines? KPI’s?

Nope.

Just being ourselves, wherever that happens to be in the process. Sharing. Not telling, Advising. Stating. Laying out. Instructing. Simply sharing bits and pieces of ourselves to all that is willing to hear, read and feel. “Prompt” has its own sense and level of urgency tied to it. Not so much, “hey, get off your ass and get going here Hahn!” But a more subtle, “you know, you find writing affirming , fulfilling and just plain old fun, so you should set aside a moment or two to just be, Hahn.”

All of which fits into the mission. I will phrase it that way for now as that is more honest than claiming ownership of this venture. It is more so a way forward that was offered by another. It is just that I neglected to hear what was being said and see what I was being shown.

Initially, my mission was one of self destruction masked by the guise of self determination. Knowing all, showing all, telling all and being all to “all” is how I went about “life”, if you want to call it that. Perhaps on a technicality. Being friends, I can share this part of me with you now.

The faux sense of self determination was born not of self knowledge, but more so of selflessness. Without a true estimation of one’s value, abided by low self esteem, reinforced by a pervasive sense of shame, my mission was to please those around me. When I first discovered this, resentment – focused on those that couldn’t appreciate what I “had” – sank in and took control.

Upon deeper discernment and reflection, a revelation of sorts made its presence known. Looking back on it, maybe “presents” – like Mr. Keane suggested – is more appropriate. Because what I came to understand unwrapped an ongoing stream of gifts. The ultimate realization that I sought others, relationships and life on the basis of having those experiences confirm my complete self unawareness has provided me with the foundation for an entirely different mission.

It’s about time.

Not that traveling this new territory doesn’t come with its share of anxiety, doubts and plain old fear. But it surrounds me with an all encompassing sense of peace and serenity. I can control things in my grasp, like how I react and respond to situations and instances. If I choose to get into disputes. Tell someone what they “need” to do because, you know, I have proven myself as an authority about life. I can engage with everyone around me, or just smile and move on to my next activity.

Each day reveals another aspect of me that had been cordoned off and unseen for much of my life. The chances I take now are to listen more and choose my words and timing thereof with their feelings being the center of my concern. Carrying around the weight of all those disappointments, regrets and failures is no longer an aspect of my fitness routine. Finally, I can start to utter the phrase, “you aren’t such a bad man after all, Hahn.”

That being said, for better of for worse, my mission got me to this point. Now that I have come to the conclusion that I desperately need to contract out any updates or new versions of my true vocation, He will be taking the reins.

It wasn’t really my mission all along. I just thought it was. Now, looking back, it has always been His. I just needed to figure that out and let go so I could get after it.

My temporary assignment.

“Meno.”

I have found great joy in reading the gospel each morning in three different versions, emailed to me overnight. Each provides one with some key insights to ponder for the day to come and really gets those creative juices flowing. As you can probably tell. Presenting me with words I was kind of aware of, thought I understood, but really did not know from Adam.

Sorry. Helps sustain my humerous daddus affliction. But I digress…

This morning in the first reading of 1 Maccabees 2:15-29, there was a retelling of the enforcement of a king’s apostasy and Mattathias’ reaction.

Akin to the mother and her seven sons and how they chose the after life in lieu of an affirmation of not only a false prophet but false view of life.

I went back to “apostasy” and discovered the origins, the Greek word “apostasia” meaning “defection, rebellion or abandonment”. Recalling my fondness for Etymology class with Mr. Paris in high school back in the 70’s, I went a little deeper. Who knew today would start with some archeology.

“Apostasia” is formed from a prefix “apo” meaning “away from” and the verb “histemi” meaning “to stand”. “Thus, the literal meaning is to stand away from”.

Since this was first written long, long ago it has taken on a variety of meanings each of which are related to discarding ones faith. At this moment of of my personal reclamation project, however, I prefer to apply it from its original, literal meaning.

“To stand away from”.

My apostasia involves standing away from the ill conceived habits and thoughts that took me away from my true self. Beholding the notion that I had all of the answers and that I could do everything for everybody. Equipped with the double edged sword that is ego, I wounded humility for the sake of pride. All of which simply made me an island, surrounded by an ocean that ebbed with low self esteem and flowed with no forgiveness.

But as I have increasingly sacrificed the tenets of a choices poorly made and a life ill lived, a true fellowship beckons. One that called to the mother and seven sons. One that touched Mattathias and the multitudes of those that have followed. Removing me from a self-designed poverty and enriching me with an altogether serene and peaceful wholeness.

You may not realize it at first, but when you simply let go and stand away from what you were, you can genuinely become what you are meant to be.

My “apostasia” began with moving away from being alone as self-induced outcast. It has since evolved into allowing Him in and truly living.

“Meno”.

For serving them is truly serving yourself.

We are all a part of a much bigger purpose.

Take a moment and reflect on just how many are involved in this event.

Despite that fact, we are all just bit players, none more important than the other. Each role that we play in this worldly act can have a tremendous impact on those all around us. Appreciating and honoring our role in the grand production called “life” and how our performance can help or harm those around us is the true essence of humility.

Humility is the trait that allows those that serve to lead to raise the level of those around them, by genuinely making it all about them. This is not as easy as it sounds. This requires letting go – a surrendering of a portion of your self – so that others may rise to their potential. It means that you might have to learn to do without something you cherish, so that those around you can have it for themselves.

“Humility is to make a right estimate of oneself.”

Charles H. Spurgeon

Ultimately, humility is one of the most powerful building blocks of a servant approach to leadership. It establishes a lasting and powerful connection between individuals. And it is through that sustaining linkage, that a powerful bond is not just born, but grown.

A true leader not only understands but embraces the importance and value of those around him. Everyone has a role to play, and none should be diminished in order to raise another. Those that need raising cannot be brought up due to whim or fairness. That elevation needs to be earned, and the effort genuinely recognized.

When it comes to humility, as Pastor Spurgeon offered, much is made of “making the right estimate of oneself”. What is making the right estimate of one-self? Does it mean that you should not have confidence in your abilities? That you should try any less? That you are not worthy?

No, on the contrary. It simply means that you recognize your role and that without others – with their varying abilities and talents – you cannot fulfill your true potential.

Thinking of them more never means you think less of yourself.

For serving them is truly serving yourself.

To love.

We all are made to love.

Part of His divine design. As created by our higher power. God is the very source of love and we are called to embrace, reflect and direct that love to others.

Yet during the course of life’s travails, disappointments and distrust, we begin to engage in the process of actively obscuring that attribute. Cordoning off that integral and essential aspect of our being. Seeking ephemeral pursuits. Avoiding our true nature. Evading our responsibility. And in so doing, creating a false sense of security, safety and wellbeing.

Despite the fact that we are hardwired for it, and it is our primary purpose, it can hurt to love.

To give it without condition, guarantee or quid pro quo. To expose oneself to a seemingly fatal level of self-inflicted pain. We convince ourselves to capitulate to that illusion. That we will not survive the giving. That it will never be received as we intend. Or more to the point – how we expect it to be taken. Or that we need to be present to witness the ultimate outcome.

Choosing to succumb to a skinned knee, while another within our immediate universe might be in the throes of a hopeless, lingering, lonely spiral downward. Choosing process, research and expediency over interaction, intuition and patience. Focusing on our flaws rather than the good inherent to the core. Choosing ourselves and our needs first over those of another and making them second.

True, dispensing, gifting and asserting love are all arduous tasks. The heaviest lifting imaginable Missions that can generate more than their fair share of discomfort, disappointment and despair.

Forgoing our heavenly purpose, ignoring our design and ignoring our Creator.

Fortunately, there are those within our midst that refuse to be deterred. Fervently remaining on point. Absorbing the pain. Depleting themselves. Giving it up.

These sturdy souls, with an unyielding faith, have leaned into this mission. Recognized that their purpose lay within. The pain is temporary. Reserves can be refilled. And giving it up is who they are.

You see, we are all made to love. It’s just that we need to trust in that level of faith, learn to surrender ourselves to Him, and allow Him to direct our path.

Then we will be fully equipped and supported to do so for others.

To love.

A hero.

The times in which we find ourselves could be defined as uncharted, challenging and just downright complex. An ever expanding array of perilous world events. Protest. Distrust. Separation. Isolation. Anger. Times in desperate need of heroes.

Things that suddenly and seemingly appear as fact in the ether of the internet creating anxiety, angst or anger; in or unintentionally. The stories one hears about from “so and so” via social media, snaps that lead to endless meaningless chats, obscure podcasts from an even more obscure expert or the truth thrice shared from the influencer du jour.

But with some faith, discernment, perseverance and presence, the good in all of this can still be found. It is not that it is hidden, unavailable or too costly to pursue. Just that it is human nature to see the negative first rather than investing, hunkering down, leaning into and embracing the positive that exists within all of this adversity.

It is simply stunning to see the number of heroes that are being revealed each and every moment across the globe.

Leaders of all births, upbringings and life experiences that come to light every hour. Strangers that are willing to leave it all out there for the one next to them with nary a regard for their own person. Regardless of social standing, responsibility or title, men and women are literally putting their lives on the line. For that person next to them, that person’s family, town, region, country and way of life.

This just doesn’t happen. It is a mindset that is entirely born from within. An entity that possesses a character, integrity, commitment and strength all its own. All of which is predicated, derives its sustenance from and thrives on putting yourself aside and giving it all up for the guy or gal next to you. Making it not about you. Just all about them.

Give witness to what it is going on in the world and imagine its impact here in your home town. Each of you can be that kind of hero right here. Not in an international way but in a local community sense. You need not be recognized for it, command headlines or capture x number of views because of it.

You just need to be it.

And do it.

Then, trust that the rest of it will take care of itself.

As one of many that aims to do so, please try to do the same. Leave it all out there to make it about them – not you. Overcoming oneself in the process.

Because in the end, this will be an action that not only helps to make them, but will transform you as well. Losing yourself is actually a great path toward true awareness and self-discovery. In that can be found the bounty of recovery, purpose and a profound sense of joy.

So you can keep the mask and cape to yourself. They are not requisite for heroism. But those you love enough to help rescue will recognize that uniform immediately.

Since your soul has been clothed as such.

A hero.