Tag Archives: trust

“Ephphatha” 

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Today’s reading was very compelling. Especially the reflection that was offered thereafter.

It shared the story of the deaf man with a speech impediment that was given his hearing and his tongue. How He chose to grant this gift away from the crowds. How the connection was essentially made to plug the man back into life. To the current of truth.

Like then, finding space away from the crowds today can be a tall order. Especially when we need to be present so that we can truly hear.

“The raucous voices of so many, the insistent bray of the advertising culture, the confusing Babel of competing spiritualities—all of it makes us deaf to His word.” *

Not only does this distract us from the truth, it also removes us from the moment. It can send us back in time to past mistakes, errors in judgement and flaws in character. A path that can then rocket us forward to wishing and embracing a self inflicting narrative of deflection, defect and defeat.

“Things will never get better or change the way I want them to because I am just not worth it.”

And yet, as I am starting to finally realize, if you can just stay right where you are, in the here and now, then you enter into a wonderful sense of peace and serenity. Acknowledging you cannot go back or jump forward is centering. It can help stave off remorse over what cannot be changed while inhibting anxiety over what change may – or may not – be coming.

There is no time better than where you are right now.

Maintaining your presence within this very moment is a place of true connection. With those all around you. With yourself. And most of all, with the One that simply desires to be there with you.

Perhaps He led that afflicted soul away from the crowds to defer the imminent accolades and preeminence for Him as he regained his ability to hear. And maybe it was also to bring that instant of healing first and foremost in his memory. Within that one moment.

It’s ironic that being moved to a place of silence created connection and belonging by listening.

To a voice meant to be heard above the bray.

“Ephphatha” 

  • Bishop Robert Barron

We are all connected.

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Today, Bishop Barron shared this poignant thought with us; “God’s love can truly dwell in us only in the measure that we give it away.”

That loop of grace.

So many opportunities present themselves each day to give the gift of your personal care, support and love. Not with the intention acheiving some KPI, in the form of money, immaterial transactions, offerings. But to genuinely just give the gift of yourself to and for another.

Opening a door expresses you acknowledge they are worth your effort.

A simple smile shares some actual joy of the moment that is meant to be shared.

Allowing them to get in line ahead of you, turn first at the intersection, take that parking spot, or offering them your cart moves them ahead of your needs at that instant. A glimpse of their importance to you. Making it about them.

Saying “hi, how are you?” passing a stranger in a store. Might be the only voice they hear all day.

Or better yet, stopping to actually listen if that stranger starts to share how they are, what is troubling them, the challenge they are about to face, how rough the day has been so far, or just a “thanks!” for saying “Hi”.

Perhaps the breakfast place is busy but short staffed. You can see it in the wait staffs eyes and body. They are exhausted, but yet, make you feel like you were sitting in your own kitchen. Eye contact, a smile, kind words and some generosity when you tip might help them overcome that distress. Not that money buys everything. Just that you recognize their effort, attention and commitment. You love the way they work.

There aren’t gonna be any bill boards or text messages alerting you to be aware of these moments. You just need to be present. Caught up less in yourself so you can be more so for others around you. Small things yes. But they can build. They will see, feel and experience the best version of you. You may help reveal the best in them and bring about true connection.

Doing it for others is the best way to actually do it for yourself. It truly is a loop.

Believe it as such.

We are all connected.

And then, locked.

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As I move forward in self reclamation, I find that past experiences and the words used to describe them have now, somehow become much more lucid. Nothing really made that much sense for the longest time. It just sort of was. Now, the only explanation I can relate to you is that it was found in the divine.

Initially, there was this strong, outward focused sense of resentment I not only harbored but protected for some reason, for a very long time. Perhaps strategic safeguarding was purposeful; a response to avoid personal responsibility and genuine self honesty. Then, the ego can remain untouched, intact and exonerated. Upon further reflection, this very well may be the impact of living with a rectal cranial inversion my whole life.

True, I resented others, situations and individuals, for what they allegedly did to me. Upon deeper and more genuine discernment, that just wasn’t the case. You see, the true culprit was not others, but me. I somehow came to embrace self-resentment. As if I was watching this guy – Mark – from the audience. Recognized him by his appearance, but didn’t know who I was, understand what I was able do, recognize how I was able to be or value anything I brought to the table.

To accomplish the tasks of self-resentment, I took my misconceptions, perceptions and aggressions into arenas that confirmed my illusions. Personally and professionally. Having others determine me because I was essentially clueless in that department. Not their doing. Mine. Driven by some apparition of what I was to myself.

Not quite sure how that all began or why, but it did left uncontrolled, running rough shod over me and my life until just about now. The path to understanding resentment initially led me to better understand my self-resentment. Then, I sensed the presence of a caring voice from within.

It directed me to self-awareness, self-perception and self-esteem. Things I had heard of, but never really invested the time to fully understand and embrace. Because I was ticked off about not being valued. Because I sought that from others. Because I didn’t like myself for not being valuable. Because I was consumed by total self-ignorance.

Another whisper from that same voice emerged. It told me I was valued, worthy, needed and loved. Not just once. But over and over. Listening led not only to better understanding, but actually recognizing those truths. Finally, by beginning to embrace all that was shared with me, resentment has now been shown the door. The “self” version was also included in that request. Though they may be taking their sweet time, the door will soon be closed.

And then, locked.

My temporary assignment.

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Daily writing prompt
What is your mission?
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One of the most precious aspects of this “congregation”, so to speak, is that we all simply get to share. To delve into what is happening between the ears and pur out some of what is swelling within our hearts. Nothing is dictated. No expectation. Rules? Guidelines? KPI’s?

Nope.

Just being ourselves, wherever that happens to be in the process. Sharing. Not telling, Advising. Stating. Laying out. Instructing. Simply sharing bits and pieces of ourselves to all that is willing to hear, read and feel. “Prompt” has its own sense and level of urgency tied to it. Not so much, “hey, get off your ass and get going here Hahn!” But a more subtle, “you know, you find writing affirming , fulfilling and just plain old fun, so you should set aside a moment or two to just be, Hahn.”

All of which fits into the mission. I will phrase it that way for now as that is more honest than claiming ownership of this venture. It is more so a way forward that was offered by another. It is just that I neglected to hear what was being said and see what I was being shown.

Initially, my mission was one of self destruction masked by the guise of self determination. Knowing all, showing all, telling all and being all to “all” is how I went about “life”, if you want to call it that. Perhaps on a technicality. Being friends, I can share this part of me with you now.

The faux sense of self determination was born not of self knowledge, but more so of selflessness. Without a true estimation of one’s value, abided by low self esteem, reinforced by a pervasive sense of shame, my mission was to please those around me. When I first discovered this, resentment – focused on those that couldn’t appreciate what I “had” – sank in and took control.

Upon deeper discernment and reflection, a revelation of sorts made its presence known. Looking back on it, maybe “presents” – like Mr. Keane suggested – is more appropriate. Because what I came to understand unwrapped an ongoing stream of gifts. The ultimate realization that I sought others, relationships and life on the basis of having those experiences confirm my complete self unawareness has provided me with the foundation for an entirely different mission.

It’s about time.

Not that traveling this new territory doesn’t come with its share of anxiety, doubts and plain old fear. But it surrounds me with an all encompassing sense of peace and serenity. I can control things in my grasp, like how I react and respond to situations and instances. If I choose to get into disputes. Tell someone what they “need” to do because, you know, I have proven myself as an authority about life. I can engage with everyone around me, or just smile and move on to my next activity.

Each day reveals another aspect of me that had been cordoned off and unseen for much of my life. The chances I take now are to listen more and choose my words and timing thereof with their feelings being the center of my concern. Carrying around the weight of all those disappointments, regrets and failures is no longer an aspect of my fitness routine. Finally, I can start to utter the phrase, “you aren’t such a bad man after all, Hahn.”

That being said, for better of for worse, my mission got me to this point. Now that I have come to the conclusion that I desperately need to contract out any updates or new versions of my true vocation, He will be taking the reins.

It wasn’t really my mission all along. I just thought it was. Now, looking back, it has always been His. I just needed to figure that out and let go so I could get after it.

My temporary assignment.

“Meno.”

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I have found great joy in reading the gospel each morning in three different versions, emailed to me overnight. Each provides one with some key insights to ponder for the day to come and really gets those creative juices flowing. As you can probably tell. Presenting me with words I was kind of aware of, thought I understood, but really did not know from Adam.

Sorry. Helps sustain my humerous daddus affliction. But I digress…

This morning in the first reading  of 1 Maccabees 2:15-29, there was a retelling of the enforcement of a king’s apostasy and Mattathias’ reaction.

Akin to the mother and her seven sons and how they chose the after life in lieu of an affirmation of not only a false prophet but false view of life.

I went back to “apostasy” and discovered the origins, the Greek word “apostasia” meaning “defection, rebellion or abandonment”. Recalling my fondness for Etymology class with Mr. Paris in high school back in the 70’s, I went a little deeper. Who knew today would start with some archeology.

“Apostasia” is formed from a prefix “apo” meaning “away from” and the verb “histemi” meaning “to stand”. “Thus, the literal meaning is to stand away from”. 

Since this was first written long, long ago it has taken on a variety of meanings each of which are related to discarding ones faith. At this moment of of my personal reclamation project, however, I prefer to apply it from its original, literal meaning.

“To stand away from”.

My apostasia involves standing away from the ill conceived habits and thoughts that took me away from my true self. Beholding the notion that I had all of the answers and that I could do everything for everybody. Equipped with the double edged sword that is ego, I wounded humility for the sake of pride. All of which simply made me an island, surrounded by an ocean that ebbed with low self esteem and flowed with no forgiveness.

But as I have increasingly sacrificed the tenets of a choices poorly made and a life ill lived, a true fellowship beckons. One that called to the mother and seven sons. One that touched Mattathias and the multitudes of those that have followed. Removing me from a self-designed poverty and enriching me with an altogether serene and peaceful wholeness.

You may not realize it at first, but when you simply let go and stand away from what you were, you can genuinely become what you are meant to be.

My “apostasia” began with moving away from being alone as self-induced outcast. It has since evolved into allowing Him in and truly living.

“Meno”.