Tag Archives: mental-health

And then, locked.

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As I move forward in self reclamation, I find that past experiences and the words used to describe them have now, somehow become much more lucid. Nothing really made that much sense for the longest time. It just sort of was. Now, the only explanation I can relate to you is that it was found in the divine.

Initially, there was this strong, outward focused sense of resentment I not only harbored but protected for some reason, for a very long time. Perhaps strategic safeguarding was purposeful; a response to avoid personal responsibility and genuine self honesty. Then, the ego can remain untouched, intact and exonerated. Upon further reflection, this very well may be the impact of living with a rectal cranial inversion my whole life.

True, I resented others, situations and individuals, for what they allegedly did to me. Upon deeper and more genuine discernment, that just wasn’t the case. You see, the true culprit was not others, but me. I somehow came to embrace self-resentment. As if I was watching this guy – Mark – from the audience. Recognized him by his appearance, but didn’t know who I was, understand what I was able do, recognize how I was able to be or value anything I brought to the table.

To accomplish the tasks of self-resentment, I took my misconceptions, perceptions and aggressions into arenas that confirmed my illusions. Personally and professionally. Having others determine me because I was essentially clueless in that department. Not their doing. Mine. Driven by some apparition of what I was to myself.

Not quite sure how that all began or why, but it did left uncontrolled, running rough shod over me and my life until just about now. The path to understanding resentment initially led me to better understand my self-resentment. Then, I sensed the presence of a caring voice from within.

It directed me to self-awareness, self-perception and self-esteem. Things I had heard of, but never really invested the time to fully understand and embrace. Because I was ticked off about not being valued. Because I sought that from others. Because I didn’t like myself for not being valuable. Because I was consumed by total self-ignorance.

Another whisper from that same voice emerged. It told me I was valued, worthy, needed and loved. Not just once. But over and over. Listening led not only to better understanding, but actually recognizing those truths. Finally, by beginning to embrace all that was shared with me, resentment has now been shown the door. The “self” version was also included in that request. Though they may be taking their sweet time, the door will soon be closed.

And then, locked.

It has no peer.

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Adversity may be defined mostly in terms of tangible situations or moments.  But its influence can be especially prevalent in far more subtle contexts.

Like peer pressure. 

To be identified as a potential member of a certain group and gain access to its inner sanctum might be viewed as an extremely important and noteworthy achievement for many people.  No matter one’s age. 

This venture might become so vital as a self-image and identity enhancement that making all the subsequent wrong choices are acceptable expenditures for the meager dividends expected to be earned. 

And the ensuing collateral damage?   Just part of the program. 

Rationalization can become an instinct stronger to one than that of survival. It has the power to transform the known black and white into gradients of reasonable gray. 

For once the quest for inclusion with those peers deemed “most worthy”  overrides doing what is right, judgement is the first thing to be cast aside. And as thoughts, words and finally deeds dissolve into this hue, one can justify, defend and vindicate just about anything. 

Undermining  your better nature. Ignoring what you know is right. 

Even surrendering  character. 

There isn’t  much contrast across the choices spectrum once you cross that threshold. Decisions tend to go only in one direction; from bad, to badder, to baddest. Rationalized as some of the necessary evils that come with  being “one of the boys or girls”.  

The curse that begets those bountiful “blessings of being in”.

Isn’t it strange how people who seemingly have the world by the tail can still feel the tug of the herd.  Despite the overwhelming value of their talents, an abundance of gifts and their inherent good nature, some “thing” seems to be missing.

Efforts at your addition with the approval from the herd, in reality can act as subtraction. A venture that can lead one to the pursuit of  shallow, short-sighted, and oftentimes risky behavior.  Creating a cavity within that only becomes deeper and grows ever wider the farther you get from your true self. 

A brand of adversity that can be a force all its own, speaking from experience. 

 For this form of pressure is one of a kind.

It has no peer.

Undefined Stock photos by Vecteezy

And life.

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“You don’t think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking.”
― Henry Nouwen

Though all is contained in one collective space, the mind, heart, body and soul can vie for preeminence over each other or become independent of one another. At least that has been my experience.

The mind has its intnetions in the right place, but yet, if it cannot interconnect with its teammates, there will be little if any change in course. It can generate great ideas and stimulate a new vision, but if the heart doesn’t buy into it and the spirit is not willing, well, you know how the state of the flesh.

Talking oneself out of great beginnings has been one of this author’s highest acheivements. The sensation is akin to rolling oneself out of a deep snow drift. Rev it up, rock it back, rev it up more, rock it back. You get the gist. Laying out vast schematics within your mind as to why things just won’t work the way you wish. Then avoiding the revision that points out the straightest path.

All the while, your heart retains an unfulfilled emptiness, your soul untested and a body stuck in an idle neutral.

Yet, if you overcome the urge to reinvent and rationalize, and to paraphrase, “do it”, then all heck breaks loose. The heart begins to engage and fill with a sense of joy brought on by the actions. Your soul begins to align and see an incumbent purpose in the undertaking. Your body generates an energy and momentum to carry moment and those to come. And your mind, quips, “why didn’t I think of this?”

When all four work in concert, they collaborate not just to maintain but to elevate their game. Rallying to overcome adversity and challenges that may attack a specific aspect of your being by acting as one. Smarter overcomes harder. Joy inundates sorrows. Purpose replaces purposeless. And a new found stamina energizes the entire enterprise.

Thinking about it does have its place. But that may only serve to restrict you to a highly confined area. Living it invites you to an ever sprawling world. Embracing all there is about you. Open to adventure. Learning. Growth. Connection. Purpose.

And life.

Harmony

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“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state…Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”

― James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

So I do find a great deal of validity in the words of Mr. Allen.  

Though he speaks primarily from the first person perspective, there is an element of the Third person in all he says.  He does seem to speak through Him to us  even when he or we do not realize it.  But I digress… 

We are only able to attract what we want, through what we are. 

If we fail from a character sense, make poor choices, lay blame on others, the  world around us and pretend to be something we were never intended to be, we will attract similar beings, situations and reality.  All because we choose to settle.  Assume a convenient path.  What  makes things comfy.  And all that enables us to avoid the truth.  By being that which we are. 

But then again, what about the impact of making good choices despite the push back from your past, others and the expectations of the herd?  Or the effect of accepting responsibility, holding oneself accountable and ignoring the opinion of the masses?  Choosing to accept what you know  to be true about yourself regardless of conventional wisdom?  And pursuing a path not less chosen but never attempted  by you?  Again, being what you are.

If you choose the latter, you WILL attract the forces of affirmation and what it is you wanty.  You will become what you are, because you have fully acknowledged yourself, discerned how you can grow into that being  and see where all of those difficult choices will ultimately take you. 

We can only attract what we see in ourselves.  To that I can attest. 

So hear what the wise old mooses have to share.  

 Lean into  what you know to be your truth regardless of the cost. 

Embrace the challenge. 

Push forward. 

Be all that which you are. 

Then see what comes your way. 

Harmony.

Joy

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With an open heart and mind, plus a  little effort, there is much joy to be found all around you.And for some reason you may have to learn how to find it.  Gain a sense of what it looks like. Sounds like.  Feels like. 

It is beyond fun.  

I  am telling you it lasts way longer than just plain old fun.  

Way longer. 

Mostly because it is like this living, breathing being. Your  partner in  all the things you do, the efforts you make and the commitments you honor.

Now this  may sound dumb, but it can be found in some of the oddest places.  

Like at a practice.  

Working after class with your calc teacher to understand differential equations.  

Struggling to master an adagio.  

Tutoring a youngster to speak English. 

Little things that bring more than just fun.

Something far deeper than happiness. 

So let me ask you this:  

You ever really listen to what it sounds like when you are having a great practice?  

Capture that sensation when you solve a linear partial differential equation on your own? 

Feel the deliberate, meandering nature of a well executed adagio ? 

Or share in the sense of wonderment that comes with reading your first sentence?  

Little things that may not seem like all that much.  

Instants that can dissipate before you know it.  

But moments you can return to over and over and over again. 

As often as you like. 

Once you have been there.  

And know what they look, sound and feel like.  

That living, breathing being. 

Partner in  all the things you do.  The efforts you make. 

And the commitments you honor.

Joy.

(Came across this one from 2015.)