Perhaps I left something unsaid from my prior topical entry a few days back. Or maybe I am just seeing this differently now in light of some discussions I have been fortunate to have been a part of for some time. It isn’t so much a race to connect dots. It can just be a compelling aspect of life when you are presented the opportunity to do so.
The subject of forgiveness has been a theme of late. Woven in and out of conversation. Connecting us together in our experience in addressing it in the fabric of fellowship. Ineinander.
Bullying character, intention, trust and faith with thoughts, words and actions that speak more so to the needs of ego, the desire for control and a misinformed concept of being all knowing will most definitely lead one to the need for the salve of forgiveness.
On my path, I found there are three components inherent in the application of the healing only forgiveness can provide. That asked of others. That asked of God. And what I find to be the most challenging aspect, that of forgiving myself.
Those with me shared their experience seeking that from another. As is standard in our build, we get out over our skis and make ourselves sure that there is no way anyone would ever provide us with that gift of grace after what we did to them. It becomes a self made barrier, one we convince ourselves cannot possibly be penetrated. That being the case, why even try? It ain’t ever gonna work. They have every right to hold it against us to our grave and those that come after us bearing our name.
And yet, it becomes apparent during the course of our discussion that the vast majority of the time, we make it worse than it was to them. Though we still clutch it tightly, they set it aside and moved on a long time ago. That’s if they even remember it. But then, there might be instances where what we ask from others is just not possible. Their wound is still there. Your asking may have picked the scab. So they just cannot. An opportunity to reflect and ask for some help from above.
For them.
And yourself.
He sees it all unfolding and knows us intimately. Even as I rap this out, I sense that presence in assisting me in choosing my thoughts and words, so I can better act on them. Who knows, maybe inspire another to discuss this topic and do the same for themselves. The grace I am given in all manner and form is proof that my admission and appeal for forgiveness is being heard. And because I can do that, without fear or remorse, I can grow that much closer to Him. There is no judgement forthcoming. No sentence to be served. Just love is all. Like nothing I have ever felt before.
Which brings me to the hardest form of forgiveness to solicit and be granted.
That which we seek to deny ourselves.
This has been one of my strengths, sad to admit, for much of my time here. Something I share in common with countless other souls I imagine. Far greater than the obstacle we create in asking it from others, the forgiveness we choose to withhold from our very being is like an infection. The rash or wounds may not be apparent from outside. But left to its own devices, it turns one against oneself. That is how the disease works.
Initially, it may be that you just don’t believe you deserve it. After all, you are lower than low. How can you possibly give yourself a break and respect the fact that you are just like anyone else, human. But then it can begin to take a different tack, eliciting thoughts, words and deeds that serve to prove this misshapen self view. A mission of self destruction, self loathing and self isolation. All because there just cannot be any forgiveness to be found for yourself.
After all, you are just pathetic.
This is a common thread that binds more together than imagined.
But a topic that when discussed, can change the pattern and lead to another life.
One of forgiveness.
Love talking about that topic.
The next one?
Even more.
...my temporary assignment. 