Tag Archives: acceptance

Not from this.

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Daily writing prompt
Do you need a break? From what?
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This one is a wee bit complicated. So this may be short and sweet, long and arduous, or “just right”. No clue. Well, here goes….

Recently, I came to several conclusions, literally and figuratively. Whoops.

At this moment, I am incapable of correctly starting the next phrase with “…from the former perspective” or “..in the latter view..” when it comes to a conclusion. Must have missed that day in etymology. Sorry. But I digress….

Let’s just say that for most of my time here on earth, I had been unable understand my value. Know my worth. Grasp my abilities and talents. I have pretty much always allowed myself to be defined. And perhaps worst of all, sought confirmation of all of these inadequacies – and more – through others. This conclusion, that I enabled others to validate me has now become the other conclusion.

Adios my friend.

Taking a break from heinously breaking myself down into a shattered collection of fragments, pieces and chunks. A shambles of what I was meant to be. Concluding that part of my life. Finito.

And since I now have this amazing collection of Mark Legos, I can build something I never once imagined.

Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Moment by moment. An opportunity I have been given that arrived precisely when I most needed it.

Grace.

As my new foundation begins to takes shape, for once, I am fully present. I build to a different voice.

I cannot imagine what is gonna go into the first floor. And I have no clue how many more stories or outbuildings will be added after that. No bother. I just love this kind of building. I trust it will be just what has always been needed. It will be everyhing it is meant to be when all is said and done.

Then finally, so will I.

Do I need a break?

Not from this.

Did I miss something?

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Daily writing prompt
What do you complain about the most?
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My stoic nature being what it is, one would think by appearance alone, all I do is complain. Perhaps there is an element of truth to that revelation. Take it as you wish, I think this is how I complain.

First, no offense intended by using some of the following statements and inherent descriptions. They pretty much say it like it is about this guy and how I see things.

I am another version of OCD.

Obsessive/cleaning/coordinating/combining/correcting/clarifying/composing/confronting/considering/congratulating/disorder. Maybe I missed a few. Oh, completing. If I think of more, I will circle back. But I digress….

I like things to be in order. Not always mine. Just in order so that we have time to live. In establishing a pattern, things flow, they happen and there are little or no distractions created to take one off their game. So dishes get done, washer filled and unfilled, dirty clothes in laundry room waiting their turn, recyling routine, beds made. You know a sense of order. Not perfection, that ain’t possible. Just intention. So I can bore you all with this prompt today. Aren’t you glad.

So where the complaining comes in is pretty much internal. I live the flow around here, and when I see something that could go better or makes more sense based on how we live, then I just adjust accordingly. Don’t tell them to do it. Just do it myself and let things happen. No one comes home to discover the laundry room now in the living room to improve efficiency and recycling bins in the kitchen. (Yet) Just looking at the big picture and smoothing out rough edges.

Sort of how I coach too.

I understand the objectives, see the big picture and figure out ways to gain growth, improvement, achievement and excellence. Not in a complaining, hen pecking, diminishing and scolding manner. Rather, gaining trust, understand what it is I see in you, let me show you how to get there. Then, just play. Practice is for practice; coaching them up, fine tuning, instilling self discipline, repetition, trust. Games are games. Times to be encouraged, reminded to stick with the fundamentals, stay together and have fun.

Applies to my current vocation as well. Job development for those with diverse abilities is just like coaching football in my estimation. No pads to speak of, except maybe to protect one from beating themselves up. But hey, we all do that, don’t we? Work the fundamentals, practice, observe and let them play. Some of the interviews I have witnessed were way better than a come from behind game on the field.

So, from a strictly definition oriented standpoint, I really do not have anything to complain about.

Not a thing.

Could I be more patient, understanding and listen better? Heck yeah.

Could I smile more than twice a year? Yup.

Stop the internal fussing? Wait, who’s fussing?

Let things be? I will get back to you on that.

In the end, I get to be my OCD self, as currently described above. Live a life around those that get it. And still be loved.

No complaints whatsoever.

Whew.

Wait.

Did I miss something?

My temporary assignment.

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Daily writing prompt
What is your mission?
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One of the most precious aspects of this “congregation”, so to speak, is that we all simply get to share. To delve into what is happening between the ears and pur out some of what is swelling within our hearts. Nothing is dictated. No expectation. Rules? Guidelines? KPI’s?

Nope.

Just being ourselves, wherever that happens to be in the process. Sharing. Not telling, Advising. Stating. Laying out. Instructing. Simply sharing bits and pieces of ourselves to all that is willing to hear, read and feel. “Prompt” has its own sense and level of urgency tied to it. Not so much, “hey, get off your ass and get going here Hahn!” But a more subtle, “you know, you find writing affirming , fulfilling and just plain old fun, so you should set aside a moment or two to just be, Hahn.”

All of which fits into the mission. I will phrase it that way for now as that is more honest than claiming ownership of this venture. It is more so a way forward that was offered by another. It is just that I neglected to hear what was being said and see what I was being shown.

Initially, my mission was one of self destruction masked by the guise of self determination. Knowing all, showing all, telling all and being all to “all” is how I went about “life”, if you want to call it that. Perhaps on a technicality. Being friends, I can share this part of me with you now.

The faux sense of self determination was born not of self knowledge, but more so of selflessness. Without a true estimation of one’s value, abided by low self esteem, reinforced by a pervasive sense of shame, my mission was to please those around me. When I first discovered this, resentment – focused on those that couldn’t appreciate what I “had” – sank in and took control.

Upon deeper discernment and reflection, a revelation of sorts made its presence known. Looking back on it, maybe “presents” – like Mr. Keane suggested – is more appropriate. Because what I came to understand unwrapped an ongoing stream of gifts. The ultimate realization that I sought others, relationships and life on the basis of having those experiences confirm my complete self unawareness has provided me with the foundation for an entirely different mission.

It’s about time.

Not that traveling this new territory doesn’t come with its share of anxiety, doubts and plain old fear. But it surrounds me with an all encompassing sense of peace and serenity. I can control things in my grasp, like how I react and respond to situations and instances. If I choose to get into disputes. Tell someone what they “need” to do because, you know, I have proven myself as an authority about life. I can engage with everyone around me, or just smile and move on to my next activity.

Each day reveals another aspect of me that had been cordoned off and unseen for much of my life. The chances I take now are to listen more and choose my words and timing thereof with their feelings being the center of my concern. Carrying around the weight of all those disappointments, regrets and failures is no longer an aspect of my fitness routine. Finally, I can start to utter the phrase, “you aren’t such a bad man after all, Hahn.”

That being said, for better of for worse, my mission got me to this point. Now that I have come to the conclusion that I desperately need to contract out any updates or new versions of my true vocation, He will be taking the reins.

It wasn’t really my mission all along. I just thought it was. Now, looking back, it has always been His. I just needed to figure that out and let go so I could get after it.

My temporary assignment.