Author Archives: Mark J. Hahn

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About Mark J. Hahn

“What we have to be is what we are.” ― Thomas Merton

Albeit, post secondary.

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Daily writing prompt
Describe something you learned in high school.
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Huh.

Well, one thing I learned was there were teachers that care enough about their students to help them identify and address bullies. Mr. Meyers, thank you, rest in peace. I had to pretty much go solo in grade school, relying on flipping and sitting on them until they turned blue.

Then, standing up for myself in the cafeteria a year or so later, I was granted a three day sabbatical for pugilism. My American History teacher, Mr. Hilsabeck, wrote my parents a letter attesting to my character and that it was not like me to engage in that behavior.

My senior year on the field, my OL coach saw potential and let me grow fully into it as a starter for the remaining seven games. Coach Schreiner’s confidence in me offered a path to continue and play in college.

And somehow the writing seeds were planted. You know how that crop has turned out.

The best but toughest thing I learned in high school was the fact that others saw things in me then that I have been blind to for much of my life.

To be honest, looking back, a major contributing factor was the clique system there. As a 5′ x 5′ freshman, I was at the bottom of the food chain. Cannot recall what name was assigned to that, in addition to “frosh”. Nerd? Dork? No clue. But I had my group of friends and we had our fun.

Then when I sprouted six or seven inches over that summer, I jumped to the head of the class, and became a jock. Literally over night, went from being a “nothing” to “everything”. Well, at least according to the design, implementation and maintenance of the clique system.

Had I recognized this for what it was, excuse mon francais – bovine feces – perhaps I would have handled the high school experience a tad different. Then, I would have been much better prepared for college and beyond. Despite outward appearances that may suggest otherwise, it has been a slow motion train derailment ever since.

Back then, somehow I was me.

At least a portion.

But that part had to be unraveled so as to weave the fiction.

Listening is one part of the high school and life experience. However, therein lay the superficiality of the moment, the falsehoods of engaging in perpetual indescretion and granting ego massaging priority first and foremost.

But hearing what is genuinely being said, verbally or in written form, will forever remain. It just takes presence. Patience. and above all, trust.

That is what I have learned.

Albeit, post secondary.

And just did the math,

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Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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Upon some early morning discernment, I would have to amend this proposition slightly. Bet you never would have guessed that. Uncharted territory for this stoic. You can insert the “but I digress” comment throughout this share as you wish. You’re gonna need it.

In actuality, the one positive outcome in my life has been the sum of the intention to make several changes. I am no math whiz, but an aggregate of this scope doesn’t just appear of its own volition. The equation is far more complicated than that.

Outward appreances may suggest some well defined substractions in thought, word and deed would produce the desired result. But if something is excised and removed, what is intended to be added to fill that vacuum? If that space is allowed to remain empty, just about anything can come along and fill it up. Or worse yet, start to crowd, overtake and suffocate those that bring with them a positive, affirming and fulfilling presence and power.

What then may occur is that “anything” can begin to multiply. Serving to divide one not just from others, but ultimately, from oneself. Faster than you can say “Bob’s your uncle”, it can appear from all angles, consuming more area, turning what was once a positive, into an all encompassing negative. The arithmetic of despair, failure and isolation.

That being said, I needed to go about this with a mindset of arraying a singular, solid and linearly compatible path forward. Simple geometry. As much as possible, going from point A to point B. Rest areas may be encountered. But I choose to remain on this tangent, having been beaten by my prior paths.

First and foremost, by adding faith back into the equation of my life, I no longer feel the urgency to control and command. At one point, I literally felt chased away from it, But now, t listen and heed the call to reengage and return to the fold. No longer do I carry a sense of abandonment and isolation. They were subtracted from my life.

This awakening led to recognizing and confronting my compulsion to overfunction, its origins still not fully known or understood. But now, I can now let go, bringing with it a sense of peace and serenity. Just being fully present creates an atmosphere for the amazing to be recognized and take place. Acceptance of the prior and its brutal lessons provided, enjoined with that of what will be, lets me feel free to be. No more acting like the divine. Just allowing and embracing it.

Subtracted my tendency to engage with others – personnally and professionally – that felt it their place to determine my value and worth. But more importantly, recognized the frequency and dependency of allowing that trait to rule my world. I determine that product, and have come to realize that multiplying my esteem in a healthy fashion keeps the sum a positive.

Lastly, being controlled by the urge to speak your mind at all times, as diseased and dysfunctional as it was, only serves to divide, and never ever conquer. Listening is all inclusive and powerful for all parties. Joining one to all, in all and for all. A lost art that I now treasure like no other.

Faith, letting it be, genuine self-affirmation and using both ears to become connected to all hearts and souls, turned out to be the precious integers I needed to create one positive change.

To live.

It took several classes.

But the lessons stuck.

And just did the math,

Workin’ my horticulture stations.

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the most fun way to exercise?
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Back in the day, when all limbs were fully functioning, a run or a ride were my go to’s.

Between my freshman and sophomore year in highschool, I sprouted like six or seven inches, and thinned out. I started to run, since I could finally do it without taking on a rolling appearance.

Brought a great sense of peace and connection. The town I lived in was sidewalked everywhere, so one could just lace ’em up and go. Early evening was great. I was almost going to stick with it, and try the cross country route at Central. But I listened to the football spirits instead, and now walking is about as fast and far as I can go.

When I got my first “corporate” job as a “manager trainee”, they had a locker room and shower on site. So I would hang a weeks worth of work clothes there and take the long way in and home on the ten speed. (…back then, that was as high as the cycle world could go. we must have had the same math issues…) I could go through forest preserves, some quasi-rural routes and get in twenty or so miles on the way in and a little more on the way out. Every day started pretty much stress free that way. I miss it.

Running has been shelved for sometime now. I have leaned into treadmill work at PF, with about a ten degree incline, and a rate that gets me a mile in about twenty. That is all well and good. But just not the same. The knee refuses to go all the way around, so I may have to rethink doing that again.

But the one escape I found to be great exercise is attending to the yard.

I may need to go to push mower front only and succumb to riding for the back. But raking is a tremendous core work out. I taught myself how to rake both right and left handed. That way no one side gets overstressed.

Weeding helps the core, on the knees or all fours. It offers mental benefits heretofore unknown. I think the term that best describes its merits is instantaneous gratification. You can relish in the work you just performed. Raking falls into that category as well.

Planting bulbs last fall was also a good core exercise. I don’t know if it is the soil in these parts, my lack of finesse with a bulb shovel or both. But I went through three of them in about a month. They found their resting spot in a recycling center. And the fruit of their sacrifice is being seen here and there around the house.

I am still getting in some time at PF. My weighted vest makes for a more invigorating walk. Almost seems redundant, adding weight to a frame already past the limit. And getting into the yard.

Me and my flowers!

Workin’ my horticulture stations.

It takes the crown.

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Daily writing prompt
What book could you read over and over again?
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Intriguing.

The one that takes the crown?

Probably the winner by a longshot when my four kiddies were growing up. Some others may have dipped into double digits. Suess, Silverstein, Milne. But this one by far the fav.

I liked Michael Crichton. Jurassic Park – the book – was way better than the movie. Some of his others were fun reads – Prey and Congo were good too.

Version 1.0.0

Multiple reads all. Now Weir’s “Project Hail Mary” is on the night stand. Loving that one.

Henri Nouwen, “The Return of the Prodigal Son” and his team effort “Compassion” with Douglas Morrison and Donald McNeill are gonna be do overs many, many times.

There is another one, to be named later, that correlates well with some of my light reading via the Bible. Light because it is making things about my life shine for once.

Reading that used to be a word salad to me for some reason. But now the two read in tandem seem to act as code talkers, to decipher things for this Stoic. The connection between the Old and the New is fascinating, as is delving into the origins of the words, why those particular ones were used in that moment and why we need to consider using those definitions now. It all makes sense.

And in following the story line, you get to know that path, and in time, you can travel it with your eyes closed. You won’t want to because it is a thing of sincere beauty. You will want to see everything a long the way. But it is a truly collaborative effort that transcends time itself.

Starting from before then, to right now, then onto wherever we are taken.

Move over Mr. Arnold.

This is the greatest story ever written.

It takes the crown.

As it was intended.

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Was able to elicit a profoundly layered perspective regarding the nature of stymieing personal challenges during a conversation this morning. It was one of those epiphanical moments that sent this stoic noggin a spinning. I am from the vinyl era, so that do make sense.

So when you are enmeshed in multitude personal issues and shortcomings that confound thought, word and deed, for whatever reason, they get tangled up, one in another. Constricting you like a leash or rope, tethering you to poor choices, deceit, ego, control, anger, resentment and strangely enough, isolation and abandonment. One would think that change in some manner or fashion would enable you to break free from this confinement with a steady, forceful pull.

Perhaps.

But if the thoughts, words and deeds remain the same, you will find yourself right back where you were before. Tied to the behaviors that led you to that personal imprisonment in the first place. Only this time, the rope maybe stronger, shorter and more painfully wrapped about your body mind, heart and soul.

Someone next to me referred to the act of unentanglement.

Coming to understand and confront what has you bound, one strand at a time. He cited that even though you may refrain from the action, the habitual self convincing approach to its continuation may yet remain. As such, each of those contrivances utilized to promulgate and perpetuate your current falsehood of a life need to be addressed, understood, cut, and dropped by the side of the road.

Period.

Maybe you can break that rope once or twice. But the fiber of its creation yet remains. Guaranteed to only come back in a stronger, more inhibiting and existence sapping manner.

But, if you break and then eliminate each strand, confinement to that way can no longer exist. Your change in your approach towards life then actually forms its own strands. Acting to extend outward, connecting you to others, healthy pursuits and affirming growth that act together, extending your reach, broadening your horizons and affirming your newly found true self.

Becoming woven into life in this manner means you are enmeshed with others.

True, healthy connection.

Ineinander.

One into the other.

Poor choices, ego, deceit, control, anger and resentment bind one up into isolation and abandonment. Cutting that cord, strand by strand, is freeing. It brings about a deeper understanding and appreciation for what you can become. No longer bound to the past, you can remain fully in the present. Abound in peace and serenity. Connecting to integrity, character, humility, joy and fulfilment.

The bond you now feel is that of respect, support, gratitude, compassion and love. One into the other.

One into living.

As it was intended.