And you are getting to know me by now. So of course I am gonna wrangle this around into a different take on the premise. Must be how I read it. It clearly states “…didn’t take action but wish you had” and yet my noggin did an inside out on it and made it something so dang close to home.
The thing is, it wasn’t a time. But so, so many times where ego goaded judgement, a sketchy, alien excuse for character, reinforced by a total ignorance of true self congealed into now remorse-full actions.
Times urgently calling to “not”. Screaming out for pause to gain a true consideration of the impending consequences. Moments demanding honest reflection and genuine discernment as to the potential damage being done to those around me. At minimum.
I now appreciate the true value of inaction.
Had I then, perhaps I wouldn’t have to do so much differently.
Long ago, I employed a platform to share accolades about kids in our community that made lasting impressions in the realms of athletics, academics, the arts and service to others. The name of the site tied the school colors to an ongoing lineage of accomplishment, serving to honor their achievements no matter the field of interest. Life emerged and then took me in other directions. Having no one to pass it off to, it went silent.
Another more “business” related was the only other one I attempted. That too went by the wayside. All the other platforms never tickled my fancy. I guess I just don’t see the point.
If this – WordPress – is considered social media, then I guess that will be my go to from this point forward.
Getting a better grasp on myself these days has been a blessing in more ways than one.
Nervousness was born of my tendency towards over-functioning. The need to be all for everyone at the expense of not only myself, but ultimately them as well. For if one has assumed the life role of being the “over” component, then those they are connected to may choose to be the “under”. Potentially harmful in both directions.
To be honest, part of what fuels me is the nervous energy that accompanies activity, demanding days, taking the first swing at something and venturing into uncharted territories. Maybe that is the breed of butterflies I have grown fond of, as alluded to in prior tomes. I guess I just enjoy that giddiness.
But as I have begun figuring out some of the personal mechanics that led me to the “over” side of the equation, I am now cognizant of those situations and able to quell the reflex action to function as such. Nothing like taking a step back and surveying the moment. There is another important facet of this healing process. Come to genuine terms with what happened and let what hasn’t arrive on its own terms. Just stay present. That is where you are meant to fully be.
Since the “fixing” veil has been lifted, I am now becoming aware of another way of looking at those situations. No longer is it about fixating on my nervousness about taking charge, but rather recognizing and embracing another’s nervousness, trepidation and woe about their own situation. Finding the means to become more sympathetically supportive. Developing a genuinely deeper empathy. And ultimately, providing them with the love they need to overcome their hurdles and obstacles, real or imagined.
I now see my vocation from a different perspective these days.
I thought I would never use this over employed jargon from business again for as long as I lived. Ranks right up there with KPI’s and “open the kimono”. I just broke out in hives thinking about it. Well, here goes. Pass the Neosporin.
Let’s just say, my paradigm shifted.
For life.
So as such, how I choose to spend my remaining time is going to as well. I may seek another field of play. Yet nothing to be nervous about whatsoever. Finally getting a glimmer of one’s purpose and following that path is meant to move one toward fulfillment. Bringing a long with it a giddiness to enjoy and savor.
For now, my focus will be on helping others in shifting theirs as well.
I don’t think it is so much how you end it as you begin it, on that day.
Getting out over your skis the night, day or week before will only act to consume your energy, replacing it with anxiety. Looking back to not recall similar circumstances but to focus on your shortcomings “the last time”, will only serve as a distraction and the foundation for an excuse. Living in your frontal lobes or the back of your skull does not work.
Yet if you choose to view this supposed adversity coined “a demanding day” as an opportunity, then the only butterflies you may sense will be the breed of excitement and anticipation, not dread and doubt. They can charge your batteries like pre-game jitters. The “can’t wait to play” variety.
Presence is truly the one and only demand of such a day. Remaining fully in the moment asserts your talents and effort directly upon the task at hand. Miscues, mistakes and misconceptions can then be dealt in a fully positive and genuine matter.
But the moment you scale things backward to validate low esteem, prove this isn’t for you and provide the bedding for some well earned self pity, then of course, you will fall. Same thing applies for pressing forward past completion, in anticipation of controlling things that don’t even exist in this moment.
Being present is fertile ground for learning, adapting and growing into something you never considered but only imagined. Only then can one hundred percent of you be fully apportioned into this adventure. Doing so assures that there will be more of you to emerge from the challenge than you what you were going into it. Not one thing is wasted. All is consumed to feed to the finished product.
Not the results of the demanding day.
But how it resulted in you.
There was a phrase I used to share on the field with the team that says it in a far more succinct fashion:
“Things don’t happen to you. You happen to them.”
That being so, they will need the time to unwind, because you were on them all day. That should certainly bring a smile and pause to be able to look back at it in that fashion. Where you began and how you chose to finish it.
As I shared prior, my perfect storm altered how I come to view of life now.
Truly, only by the grace of God, was I able to find dry land. And as counter intuitive as it may seem, although I was barely clinging to keep my head just above, until I chose to let go, I was surely going to drown.
For far too long, I was convinced I was in charge. Knew everything. Could make things work. Step in. Lead. All from my over-functioning perspective. My will steering my boat straight up that wall of water.
Loosening my grip was the beginning of that decision. Allowing trust to ameliorate my fear eased that release. And now, as the letting go and trust acquire more of a second nature status, the ebbs and flows no longer grow into swells then tidals.
...my temporary assignment. 