Tag Archives: #faith

Drydock can be a blessing.

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Something dawned on me a day or so ago regarding an oft used expletive.

It seems to explain a sense of dismissal, mockery and ultimately degradation regularlybencountered of late. Well, not of late, pretty much for decades. It is just that now, this particular perspective may help create a path not just toward deeper understanding, but avoidance on multiple levels. A deeper honesty in the context of thought, word and deed.

Six letters in total, the first being “F” and the last being “U”, constructed to create two words generally employed to incite, demean, diminish, create an aura of false bravado and shock others. These days, seems like that combination is thrown about in a perpetual motion, no matter the setting. Wonder what those in the field of semantics have to say about that. Heck, the language I grew up knowing? It is pretty much gone.

Sorry, back to the point.

When I would tell someone I was committed, going to do it, take care of it, follow up on it, handle it , assume responsibility for it and make it happen – but didn’t – I was essentially conveying those two words back to the receiver. Indirectly. Yet purposefully. With the warmth of purpose.

Same with saying I would listen, would try to understand, be patient, work with them, remain in contact, stand with them, help in any way I could – but didn’t. Subtly, yet delivered in a falsely comforting and empathetic manner.

How about acting like I knew it all, was never wrong, had the best way through and out, had done it all before, you cannot handle this and you need to get out the way so I can again? A flagrant confirmation of those two words, but now illustrated through some machismo theatrics.

So what brought this to mind?

Finally realizing and appreciating what it was like to be on the receiving end of it. I now find it to be the best way to describe a thought process designed to dismiss, mock and degrade another, through your “well intentioned” promissory thoughts, words and deeds, meant to inflate you while deflating the other.

Indirectly, subtly, flagrantly, in action. In person. It is essentially, F – – – Y- – . But with a smile and a comforting arm around the shoulder.

Stealing the wind from their sails, so you can drive your misguided adventure.

Drydock can be a blessing.

I am worth it.

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Daily writing prompt
What’s a mystery from your own life that you’ve never solved?
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A mystery.

Hmmmm. Let me see….

I don’t see any Poirotesque connections in this one. Plus, how in the heck does he make his moustache stand at attention like that. Good God. One booger search, sleeve sneeze or an asiago bagel piled with cream cheese and that stache would be histoire. I wonder if I could do something like that with my 4/0 eyebrows. Mon dieu, mais je m’éloigne du sujet….

At this stage in the game, it appears as though my personal search discernment party has found it self at a cross road. There are still acres to be trod and perseverance to be deployed, but sense is being made regarding this life mystery. Not that I know the answer. Just that I am getting better acquainted with the question.

For some reason, that still lay outside my grasp, I have allowed my value and worth to be determined inan open and albeit unconcerned market. To ensure “proper consideration” through out this external assessment process, I then add to the calamity by using “over” as the requisite prefix to every thought, word and deed I enjoin.

Over-functioning is how my counselor termed it. Figures, since it fits perfectly with all manner of functions. Like – thinking, – trying. – doing, – extending, – caring, -carrying, – attempting, – giving, and so on, ad nauseum. When unleashed into a field with no fences, this fuzzy little guy just wants to run all over, seeking a look, some attention, a semi-smile, heck, even a passing pat on the noggin. Should those affirmations be of short supply, then it had to be something I did or didn’t do that produced that level of inattention, disaffirmation and neglect.

So fill up the tank, get off your ass and get back to it Hahn.

Over, and over. And over.

And over.

And over.

The Hercule en moi is still pondering this one.

But by the grace of God, I at least have a starting point. That may take me to its origins. To “why?” Maybe. Or perhaps its take was to simply make me aware, so that I can just learn, appreciate the value of its lesson and begin to leave it. At the very least, I am now aware of its dissonance when it starts approaching me from a distance. I can gird them, remain in the moment and make some much healthier choices. Protect myself for once. And just let me be.

It took some time to unravel this mystery of my life. Still a few more layers to go. But I do know one thing with absolute clarity and certainty.

Pour une fois.

I am worth it.

Wait, is that a smile?

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Daily writing prompt
What’s a moment you wish you could freeze and live in forever?
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First off, I have lived in the Midwest pretty much my entire existence, so there has been ample opportunity to freeze and live in forever. Don’t get me wrong, we get all four seasons, in no particular order, but shorts and a T to jeans and a down coat the next day is life in these parts.

That being said, I would drop the vernacular and replace “freeze” with something more temperate. Like the perpetual warmth that accompanies rapture. A being carried away by intense and loving sense of delight, joy, bliss and euphoria. (Sorry Syd, not you.)

Maybe this better captures my thoughts:

Awe.

‘Cause then I get to use a word I made up, allegedly, in some other tome; awe-full. To find yourself full of awe. Bet you never guessed any of this was going happen in this prompt. Funny where life takes you. Especially when this guy is driving the bus.

That being said, or rather all of this being said, I think I would be inclined to want to find myself in awe over and over again. At random. Not always or every time. Then it could become redundant. The same old, same old. That would deplete it of its lustre, lower the “what the…??!!!!” aspect of its sudden appearance and transform it from a gift of grace to an exercise of expectation. In short, it would be aweful.

So knowing and appreciating the centering, healing and resurrective essence of awe, perhaps I would ask that I could somehow became more open and aware of the circumstances that lend themselves to bringing it all about. Not that I need to make that happen or want to be the sole creator of those moments. I turned in my resignation for being in charge of everything a little while ago. A weird hybrid schedule.

But if I could somehow be better equipped as a human to nourish the circumstances leading up to it, and then witness its birth, then I would be one happy camper.

Living an awe-full life.

A wish come true.

Wait, is that a smile?

But I can catch His excellence.

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Daily writing prompt
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
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I cannot say I live by one, but I can say I think of some more than others. It is a rather fluid situation. Their respective rank has shifted and changed over the course of time, largely because I have changed over the course of time. Or rather, I am in the process of changing over the course of time. Wait. I am finally realizing change is needed now because there is not a lot of time remaining. Boom! There it is! My digress in the prompt of the day….

Most of what has stuck in my noggin are thoughts pertinent to the motivation of student-athletes I have had the opportunity to coach for going on twenty five years. If by chance, any one else happened to read those thoughts I would share, they too would get to know about some of these wonderful authors. Lots of James Allen, Whitman, Emerson, Angelou, Einstein, King and others. Digging deeper, I found inspiration from the ancients like Aristotle, Seneca, Socrates, Aurelius and the like. Those of the cloth; Merton. Nouwen and Aquinas. Bringin’ up the rear, men like Dungy, Lombardi, Wooden and those that found their way into my life.

The change I alluded to is essentially focus related. Going from what can be made of oneself on the field, in the weightroom, during class and within the community to what is intended to be created from within. Not alone mind you. But in concert with THE best coach ever made.

For example, Coach Lombardi spoke of excellence in this fashion: “Gentlemen, we will chase perfection, and we will chase it relentlessly, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence.”

A mentor of mine, Coach Rauch, offered: “Adversity is not an ‘if’ but a ‘when’ event.” Another man who saw things in me I never recognized, Pastor Freyer, offered: What you are someday going to be, you are now becoming.”  And this one from James Allen: “As a man thinketh in his heart, so shall he be”

All very individual focused, on what each could aspire to in an effort to raise up all those about them. Ideal for football and life, in the perspective they offer as to the lasting impact of effort, knowing that opportunity lay in adversity, how intention can positively command direction and what you think creates the words and deeds towards becoming what you were intended to be.

By becoming the best that was in you, you brought out the best in others, being witness to your transformation. A non-transactional gift given to the one next to you. Partly out of being on a team and being a teammate. But moreso, out of love. Leaving it all out there for them. One doing so leaves its mark. But imagine five. Ten. Thirty some players willingly and selflessly serving another. Together. Talk about excellence. Talk about joy.

Those days built the foundation for this man.

And now, my desire is to fully be what it is I was intended to be. No one is here randomly. There is a reason for our existence. A purpose. And a mission designed specifically for each one of us. Perhaps the inklings of that was shared when I wore the pads and then when I traded them for a whistle. My teammates will always be a part of me, don’t get me wrong. It just appears as though my current team has shrunk to two. And it is no longer confined to a field.

During a conversation this past week, someone said; “I cannot. He can. I will let Him.”

That one has stuck with me. With it, I can maintain fatihful effort, receive the grace of opportunity that lay in all adversity, intentionally and positively follow His direction and listen for the words that lead to deeds so I can finally become what He intended me to be.

For this I have chased my entire life.

I know I will never attain perfection.

But I can catch His excellence.


Even more.

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Daily writing prompt
What topics do you like to discuss?
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Perhaps I left something unsaid from my prior topical entry a few days back. Or maybe I am just seeing this differently now in light of some discussions I have been fortunate to have been a part of for some time. It isn’t so much a race to connect dots. It can just be a compelling aspect of life when you are presented the opportunity to do so.

The subject of forgiveness has been a theme of late. Woven in and out of conversation. Connecting us together in our experience in addressing it in the fabric of fellowship. Ineinander.

Bullying character, intention, trust and faith with thoughts, words and actions that speak more so to the needs of ego, the desire for control and a misinformed concept of being all knowing will most definitely lead one to the need for the salve of forgiveness.

On my path, I found there are three components inherent in the application of the healing only forgiveness can provide. That asked of others. That asked of God. And what I find to be the most challenging aspect, that of forgiving myself.

Those with me shared their experience seeking that from another. As is standard in our build, we get out over our skis and make ourselves sure that there is no way anyone would ever provide us with that gift of grace after what we did to them. It becomes a self made barrier, one we convince ourselves cannot possibly be penetrated. That being the case, why even try? It ain’t ever gonna work. They have every right to hold it against us to our grave and those that come after us bearing our name.

And yet, it becomes apparent during the course of our discussion that the vast majority of the time, we make it worse than it was to them. Though we still clutch it tightly, they set it aside and moved on a long time ago. That’s if they even remember it. But then, there might be instances where what we ask from others is just not possible. Their wound is still there. Your asking may have picked the scab. So they just cannot. An opportunity to reflect and ask for some help from above.

For them.

And yourself.

He sees it all unfolding and knows us intimately. Even as I rap this out, I sense that presence in assisting me in choosing my thoughts and words, so I can better act on them. Who knows, maybe inspire another to discuss this topic and do the same for themselves. The grace I am given in all manner and form is proof that my admission and appeal for forgiveness is being heard. And because I can do that, without fear or remorse, I can grow that much closer to Him. There is no judgement forthcoming. No sentence to be served. Just love is all. Like nothing I have ever felt before.

Which brings me to the hardest form of forgiveness to solicit and be granted.

That which we seek to deny ourselves.

This has been one of my strengths, sad to admit, for much of my time here. Something I share in common with countless other souls I imagine. Far greater than the obstacle we create in asking it from others, the forgiveness we choose to withhold from our very being is like an infection. The rash or wounds may not be apparent from outside. But left to its own devices, it turns one against oneself. That is how the disease works.

Initially, it may be that you just don’t believe you deserve it. After all, you are lower than low. How can you possibly give yourself a break and respect the fact that you are just like anyone else, human. But then it can begin to take a different tack, eliciting thoughts, words and deeds that serve to prove this misshapen self view. A mission of self destruction, self loathing and self isolation. All because there just cannot be any forgiveness to be found for yourself.

After all, you are just pathetic.

This is a common thread that binds more together than imagined.

But a topic that when discussed, can change the pattern and lead to another life.

One of forgiveness.

Love talking about that topic.

The next one?

Even more.