“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.”
― J.M. Barrie
If life is our diary as Mr. Barrie suggests, then we can choose to fill the pages with the fictional dreams we intended to create, or, share with others a life of non-fiction we made bound by our true intention.
My sincere apologies if this sounds like an either or proposition.
We all live in our heads at times, wishing and dreaming for what is yet to be. Desire and commitment can be key influencers in this process. Depicting the wanted end to a schematic that can be amended in all fashions depending on the day, the outcome of the prior or the latest attraction of distraction. I have travelled this same road over and over. Seems to always lead me back to where I started, but now with far less time to get to where it is that I ultimately want to be.
Fiction broadens the view somewhat, but needs to be genuinely partnered to its non-fiction sibling.
There has to be a path extending beyond the mind incorporating word and deed – and others important to us – so that work can be truly engaged and progress honestly made. That may be what Mr. Barrie is alluding to.
We intend one thing, but come up short on the intention needed to finish the story. As such, the chapters never quite mesh. Our diary becomes a run-on.
The fiction we see is not allowed to become the non-fiction we do. Remaining in the ether, it never assumes the mass of reality.
Though it may not be what we intended, we must somehow find our way to live with intention.
There were many that came and went over the span of my life as it goes today. Some arriving just in the nick of time bringing with them some element of saving grace. Others, there in background, being that steady, ongoing and inspiring font of wisdom and love.
Some teachers may tend to inhabit the workplace, a gym, football programs, home, the store, gas station or church. That is just to name a few. Teachers can choose to occupy a great many spaces. I just don’t think they are confined to one place or moment because of a noun. The only restriction that has any bearing on their presence is solely determined by the student.
Do you think you already know everything, so why be open to listening?
Or, are you always willing to learn because it can be so fulfilling?
Though there are lingering and painful aspects of me to be found in the former, I tend to be wooed more to the latter.
I desperately need engagement. So I do listen to all with an intent to learn, feel and experience what they offer and share. An opportunity for intention, connection, empathy, life. Perhaps that is why I follow my grandpa’s MO of “he knew no strangers.” Grandpa talked to everyone and anyone he happended upon like he knew them his whole life. He was on to something. This he taught me well.
But as I reflect deeper on this topic, while it may appear that moments such as these just happen, they do not. For there is no such thing as coincidence.
Like the person you meet and work with for a career. The friends you still have from playing ball in highschool and college. The pastor you meet at a local community organization. The young men you coached and still know. The fellowship you fell into where can open your heart and the folks that share “peace be with you” at morning mass. The ones at the store, gas station or down the block that simply smile and say “hello.”
Everything happens for a reason. And everyone was where they were meant to be, when they needed to be there. As much for me, as it was for them.
Now think about that.
As such, chance moments are referenced or labeled as coincidence, simply because we aren’t aware of the lesson plan. We don’t know what is about to be shared, why it is being shared, or how it will become learning. Just because this is how we might be taught, doesn’t mean it is lost on us or wasted time. We just have to attend to our studies. Put things together. And trust in these opportunities to grow.
If you can be fully present in each of these moments, there is so much to be learned. From the outside – in as well as from the inside – out. Nothing is ever wasted. It is an entity beholden to the same laws as matter. Things may just take on a different form. Perhaps it doesn’t match our current configuration or what think we know. But yet, it remains all the same. Patiently abiding its time to be summoned when we need it.
This is quite a lesson plan.
Built solely on unconditional love. We only need trust in the teacher.
And in my estimation, there is but one best suited for this level curriculum.
I cannot honestly list anything that may fall into this category.
I am looking for volunteer opportunities to fill in gaps each week. One is already under way. Another will get closer next week. And still one more requires some on line and in person training. So that will be the last in the quiver for now.
This part of my life is truly a source of great joy and I look for ways to fit more of it into each twenty four hours. I love being able to share with all of you. A connection I never thought would be found and embraced. We are just getting to know one another, but there is no rush in that.
More involvement with my kids and grandkids is also an ongoing venture. Lunch with #2 this afternoon. Have a cute spring outfit to drop off for #3’s new daughter. She is growing like a weed. So I hope it will still fit.
It is somewhat ironic that today’s was “what do you wish you could do more every day.”
Ironic in the sense that I have been been engaging in some ongoing reflection about life in general. An integral aspect of my personal reclamation project. Combine it with the genuine discernment that accompanies the Lenten season, and this Jurassic vintage gray matter is firing away nonstop. Well, somewhat.
Reflection of late is not so much dwelling on or in things, as was common practice before, nor does it have anything to do with looking out over the skis for what is to come. It is more about finding the serenity in true honesty with oneself. Dispensing with the camo provided by the joint forces of ego and pride to see for once, and oddly enough, appreciate things for what they were. Let me tell you; truly an f’d up existence masquerading as some facade. Not sure pun to create for that yet. But when I do, you will be the first to know that pun.
Weird thing is, in no way do I wish to change any of it. Because somehow, it miraculously brought be to where I am today. I know how that happened and how it will remain and continue as such ad infinitum. The past had to happen the way it did so I could experience the present the way it is.
So to answer the prompt in a nut shell; live just like this.
The vocabularic duo of Merriam and Webster call it “a mark, figure, design, or word intentionally fixed or placed on the skin.” I think that one is the PG version. Farther down the list, you get “one that is composed of scar tissue intentionally created by cutting, abrading, or burning the skin.” Yikes. Not sure how you rate “burning the skin.”
Either way it seems that they make a statement about the wearer. That being said, I cannot say for sure what I would choose to broadcast something about myself whether through ink, a knife, abrasion or fire.
It does however bring to mind some of the tattoos I might have consented to apply to myself internally over the course of my life. Through poor choices, bad habits and unhealthy behaviors. Like ones of regret and remorse. Self-deceit, – resentment, – destruction and – hatred. Those big bright ones like EGO, PRIDE and some WRATH for good measure. SLOTH from a spiritual side too.
I am not suggesting that any of them are permanant by any means. Or that this is how I go about broadcasting some self pity for the world to partake. I just want to vent some, share alot of myself and promote a healing process. Not just mine, but for anyone else out there that is emblazoned with their own internal tattoos the same way.
I haven’t felt this confident in a very long time. Mostly because many of the things brought to light in the prior paragraphs are slowly – but surely – being defeated. I think that is why God invented prompts.
Ultimately, what it comes down to is that I chose to mark myself in a variety of ways and depths on the inside that have since become worn out. Both in their need and their welcome. It’s not like I can open up and apply a couple new layers of self forgiveness with a paint roller and attend to the deepest scars inside with a shot of Botox or three.
It is just part of a self healing process.
One that brings me great joy to undertake and understand. Through out the course of trying to figure it out, I kept a lot to myself. You can tell it is piled pretty deep inside. The stoic smile on my mug never lies. And pursing the lips like that helps keep it all within. Hidden from a potential, inadvertant broadcast.
So what was this one about?
Oh, yes, tattoos.
It would be fitting to find the one that captures the sense of self-forgiveness, -understanding, -confidence and -love that I am finally starting to feel. The ones I etched and drew on the inside long ago are all but faded out. Something truly different is starting to happen. There is a new artist in town. Soon, this stoic’s lips will no longer need to adhere to a strict pursing regimen.
Maybe I share the same boat with some of you. Pulling an oar of low or no self esteem. Little or no awareness of self worth or value. Throw in a modicum of shame to go along with it. Maintaining an unhealthy reliance on others to determine these for me, because after all, they know better than I. Right?
So when you go about things like that, life turns out pretty much circular if you can picture it. Until someone chooses to climb aboard, take up the one on the other side, and row along with you for a bit. New waters. Different view of the horizon. Testing endurance. Working together towards a shared vision. As one. Blessed to say the occupancy on my vessel has grown of late.
You probably can guess what patriarchal pun is destined to follow that last sentence.
To me, compliments take on a different form. They aren’t so much made up of just words. They go far deeper than that. I view them as intention. A truly authentic giving of one into another, residing in trust, compassion and honesty. Putting another’s value and worth on display through thought, word and deed. An intentional proclamation of what another truly means to those about them.
Sorry, getting a little windy out here.
So last night, at our pizza gathering for the basketball season, a young man literally ran across the gym and just about bent me in half with a jumping bear hug. I work with him twice a week as it is and we make things happen together. But he hugged me yesterday like he hadn’t seen me for years. Just because. No words were involved, but that was a compliment I will not soon forget.
Years ago, a pillar of youth sports in our community thought I should hop on board and help steer the football program for the families here. His faith in me and who he saw from afar complimented the person I was desperately searching to find. His compliment changed my life. And to this day, I remain a coach.
A young man asked that I might come to speak to his team in the hopes that they would figure out how to grow closer together in intention, trust, faith and fellowship. I am still giddy about that night and how I still feel about becoming a part of them.
And when she can, my best friend and partner employs her gift of creation to make the best recipes that are good for me for all of the right reasons. Just because.
Others around me just reach out because they have a spot open on their boat. And the circular journey they are on may be a perpetual revisitation to the shores of Depair, Worthlessness, Emptiness and Isolation. A trip I took. Places I know all too well. Destinations they do not deserve if I can help it.
Had I been able to see compliments in this fashion before, I would have taken them more to heart.
Having teammates that wanted me to be their captain, twice.
A business owner picking me out of the blue, literally off the street to represent his company.
A fellowship asking me to help lead.
Being able to have you read my thoughts.
And of late, finally hearing His voice tell me I am worthy and calling me to come aboard.
A compliment isn’t so much “hey, did you lose weight?” Or, “you look good in that car.”
I am coming to realize that they consist of very few or absolutely no words. They are gifts another gives you because you are truly worth it in their heart, mind and soul. They value the genuine connection that exists so they share themselves with you. They see who you truly are, even if you are blind to that view.
They want you in their boat. Or are more than happy to come aboard yours and pick up the one next to you.
Who ever thought wanting to row with another was such a fulfilling compliment.
...my temporary assignment. 